Ahg

I'm feeling sick. Just knowing something that I really wanted to know but, i still don't want to know. You know? Whatever though. It's not my life it's not my choice. It's not my problem. I shouldn't care. I know he does it so I shouldn't care. I just don't like it. I really don't like it. I don't want to talk to him but, I don't want to not talk to him. I don't want to ignore the BFFFFFL either because I haven't seen her in a while. Yet, she needs to talk to her boyfriend. And I need to talk to mine. I just don't want to talk to him like that. I don't want to talk to him when he isn't like he usually is. How I don't know what it feels like. And I don't want to. I hate people who do that shit. For example I don't like how my mother does it but, you know it's just how it is. Whatever, it makes me sick. I don't want to talk to him. It won't make things any better.

I want to watch that damn movie. I want to sleep and wake up in the morning and everything to have never happened that I don't want to know about. I don't want to feel the feeling that I felt on Tuesday. And I don't want to feel it tomorrow again because I got over it today. I don't want to have this knot in my throat of distrust and dissatisfaction. This knot that means that I don't like it. I really don't like it. And I have to deal with it. I don't want to though. I should be able to tell him but, I can't. I can't be that girlfriend. I can't be that crazy girlfriend, that controlling crazy girlfriend who doesn't let her boyfriend do anything. I should just give up. I have no one to talk to about this right now because Jenna is not replying and no one else that I've talked to gets it. And Taylor is talking to her man. And I don't want to leave this computer and not talk to him. Yet every reply I get, I wonder, and I hate the feeling of maybe and not knowing and if I do know then, there's no point. There's definitely no point. I feel sick and I should just stop and relax and ask to watch The Fountain. The confusing love story. beer pong great. done with this blog. Jenna replied, saviour

I have a headache

There's no point to being at school but, you know, WHATEVER. as long as i'm not around my nazi sister! haha. definitely sick of allergies. haha, i'm about to just pass out. no one is in here. whatever. don't care. uhg.

15 years and 337 days. I'm just going to round to sixteen now. Haha.

right now, i hate summer

My home bound-ness is going to get old fast. Especially when my boyfriend, well exists. My sister sucks, I don't understand why people like her, she's bipolar and hypocritical. And she talks shit behind people's back, i get it from her. And since she pointed out she was the one who raised me, it's pretty legit. Whatever. I want to go to the movies. And I'm going to (Being in "punishment" or not). I'm happy about school being done though even, if I have two D's. One is a miracle and the other is, well. My fault. I think it could be a high D because of the late test I took today. I'm not sure though. Oh well.
FML

I was stupid, I admit it.

Being woken up at ten last night to have my sister yell at me and end up hating me was something I could see coming, I regret saturday night. I really do. It ended up messing up more things then I could say. It messed up my trust with my mom who, will now pick me up after school for the rest of school and my sister said that I'm not allowed to do anything on the weekends. My sister basically hates me because I don't stand up for her and because I don't appreciate her. And I was at Stephanie's house on saturday night, doing stupid things. And saying things about her, well agreeing and saying stupid things, I guess that I'm just stupid for even being there with all the people that I know. I messed up my relationship which isn't going to last forever anyway but, I still like him so much. And now I can't even see him for more then a total of ten minutes everyday. And since there are finals wednesday through friday that's even less time along with the whole, no after school, no weekends thing. I think that my mom will get over it but it's up in the air with my sister. Young Life camp is still a maybe I have to go and work at my gmas house, I guess. I wish my mother hadn't brought it up around her, she's crazy sometimes. I hate how I now have to go home after school just to be alienated and wanting to not be there. My mother was fine with me this morning and I didn't bother my sister at all. I hope she doesn't ransac my room before I get home, whatever. I knew this was going to happen going there. I knew it was going to happen yesterday before i got home. I knew that because aaden's phone broke that I'm going to end up not talking to him at all. I knew all of these things yet, I still was just letting it all happen. Like my grades, the 25% that I can't fix. The two D+'s. The 3 B's. I hate my life, I fucking just want it to be over right now, everything to just leave.

Alast!

Messy curls, ahoy! After like, 20,000 tries today I have got the system down. Level 15 and twisting. It just works for my short hair. And even if it is messy, It's still cute to me, for the like 15 minutes it lasts.
"I'm do not look like my mother or my father, I look like a who!"
Quote of the day, amazing, amazing. I just kind of made the most sense out of everything. I'm going to create myself a story.
PS, I gave up on school. Like, I can only do so much to get my 3 F's up. But, two are fixable and one is dead. Sooo dead dead dead. Never again am I taking photo. I just don't like the structure of the class. I need to get like 5 prints done tomorrow! I need to write an essay tomorrow. I need to grab those pictures now. I need new eyeliner, mine is gone.
But, really though, I look like a who.
I really like my boyfriend.
Quans bonfire tomorrow? Let me tell you, I am going, even if I don't have a specific ride. Hahaha.

I love shorts.

last night was something. bittersweet would be the word, I think.
a lot of things happened that I wasn't planning to but, it's all bittersweet because there were many bad parts to it and some good ones.
i don't like it when by bf is around his bf. It pisses me off because he becomes a total dick and he knows. And he knew that after a bit I was pissed off because of what he was saying.
And it was bullshit. And I can tell he didn't really want me to be mad. but then i sack tapped him. So, even playing feild.
Eventually my mom came home and all was fine.
I'm worried that his bf's mouth wont stay shut. Or my bf for that matter.
Well, not really, the bf, he's pretty good.
Haha, anywho. I want it to be sunny again, i don't like wearing pants, I want to wear skirts and dresses and such. and shorrrts! I love shorts.
the hole i'm digging myself into sucks but, hey it's fine. All ready for this week.
WAIT.
sr. car tagging, I need to have some convos with people. haha.

Saturday:

It's P-day. PROM!
I need to help my sister, she deserves it. Senior Prom only happens once, you know.
My aunt is coming, haha.
I really don't like this weather though as a contrast to like, earlier this week.
Whatever with safety pins in hand, i'm done and i'm tired and I have nothing to do right now.

My it is blustery outside!

Indeed it is Watson! Now how chipper am I that the wind is a'blowin. That it is hotter then snot and it gets everyone all riled up. How frivolous the weather is. Hot, hot, hot! And then nothing less then you would expect rather then the thunderstorms coming in in the evening. As you know, living here like we do, there has to be some drama. Yes, come to the Western side of the Cascades and you'll get drama, drama, drama. The weather constantly is changing. I decide now that if it rains, I'm going outside to be in the hot humid rain. Maybe to get struck by lightning. Whatever my destiny is, I'm not all that sure but, just so you know. Thunderstorms a'comin' and it ain't stoppin' until the winds change and bring in more hot hot sun in the morning.

For all you Quitin Terentino fans, Bill (From Kill Bill vol. 1&2) or David Carridine was found dead in Bangkok, naked and hung from a curtain string. Disturbing and sad since he was filming a new movie there and it only started filming on Tuesday! Geewillicers! Depressing, I don't know if I can watch Kill Bill Vol. 2 anymore knowing that he's dead as a dormouse!

Anticipation overtakes me now, good'ay, goo'night!

[Will Write Later, I'm Sure]

I'm scared

of fat creeper guy who said i was cute. I hope he doesn't stalk me now. Ewww.
he's talking about some girls. naaaaasty.
boyfriend+me had a big short beating around the bush talk.
Whatever.
dueces!

After a nice 15 years and 320 days

of kicking ass, I decided to post this blog.
16 days of having a boyfriend.
3 days until prom.
10 days until my sister's graduation.
20 days until school ends (including weekends).
Late start tomorrow.
44 days until I turn 16.
The font on my computer is weird. There's like this certificate thing that keeps popping up, and I'm getting sick of it.
And I'm still weighing in on the whole Young Life Camp thing. I have to beg my family for money if I want to go because my mom isn't going to cough anymore up, at all.
I don't even know how I'm going to get a stupid WA state licence, she's a crazy beep.
And a selfish one at that.
I want to go tanning, I really would appreciate a tan.
Grades are killing me, and since I didn't go to school today... So screwed over. I missed my spanish test but, it's alright though. I can retake it after school. I need to really just take that CWI test, even if I do bad at it. I can just study my buns off and like, be chill.
Yahoo! Now?
brennawhatsgood@yahoo.com
okay let's go!

KAAAAABOOOM!

Screwed, screwed, screwed. Grades suck
going to fail like three classes;
english, photo, and Cwi
like really, screwed.
Cwi, I can fix. English I'm screwed over because I don't know how to write this stupid essay and give it to her, she like hates me.
photo I can probably fix if I work my bum off.
Like, I can put in like 5 digital shots real quick but, I only have like one b&w for my portfolio.
I can write the research paper real quick. I can definitely do the final. I mean it's due friday but, I think it will be fine. I just have to do it, like today. I don't know if I can fix stuff from last quarter in her book but, I can try, so I think I can get it to like a D. hopefully! /:
I just want to be able to drive too. But, manual stick shifts are the most terrifying thing ever. AND when the only time your mom lets you attempt driving is when she's not in the car when you're trying to go around a round cul de sac with a gigantic tree planter in the middle. I don't know when to effin clutch! Eff!
but, she said she wanted to get rid of the red dead car in our driveway and I'm like, what about me. She asked me if I would drive it and I said, it's a car, right!? It's just that it's broken and I can't drive without DRIVERS ED. still a lot of money for those who haven't check recently. EFF. I just want to be able to drive because then everything will be fantastic and I could just be like, oh I'm hungry, let me go get food!
And right now, I have to go and find some problems in panama. sheezy, there's like Noooothing!
Okay, probably will get on later.
/:

You know

Jayde poses a good point.
Jayde asks me how I am. I say everyday I'm having a horrible day, when I'm really just not liking everything that is happening. Probably because my day is boring, which it usually is. And she says, if I were you I would wake up and love life just because of Aaden. See, I would do that if I woke up next to him every morning just to remind me of how much I like him and how much he likes me back. Every time that I do see him my day gets all happy in bright. He is like my sun. But, there's this thing where if I don't see him, I always go back to the underlying feeling of what if he stops liking me and everything. What if! And because of me seeing him all the time, it just eats me alive. And makes me think and makes everything worse! And when I wake up in the morning, I always think of him, it just happens that way and without his reassurance, everyting just goes blah and into the state of mind that I don't like because I make everything worse. I make everything dramatic and big and ew. So, I don't know how to solve this problem. I just need to remember how much he likes me and everything that he does when we're together everytime that I'm away from him.
Gosh, I like him too much. Sheesh!

After all this time

I finally have some quick time to blog.
I'm supposed to be doing my country project but, finding conflict in my country is hard. Panama is just the canal and the city. Then I don't know what else there is. I mean, if I could ask snr hall for the panama video then everything would be peaches and keene. I'm sick. My nose is running like no other. I have a cough. I don't appreciate it. My boyfriend and me got into a mini dispute yesterday! I keep asking him if he is sure he likes me. he says yes, rather convincingly but, i know it annoys him. And then he brought up the fact that there was no emotions attatched and basically, i kept going on about how he didn't like me and how he doesn't show his emotions. But, i was all over him while doing this but i was only kinda kidding, the seriousness in it though was bigger because it is one of my great fears with dating. That they will stop liking me and be like eff youuu! ): Although, I don't think he would do it. I wish he would express his emotions to me. Haha, I suck at being a girlfriend, I'm so needy and I need drama. I hate being this way but, it's who I am. My aunt facebooked him last night when we went to dinner. Funny, sad, and he's expected to show up for family dinner, eventually. I thought he could get out of it. He got attacked and he didn't even know it. I want to talk to him today to just talk to him. And I'll be like, hey emotionless bitch not emotionless whore! Hahaha oh jenna. I wish I could see you this weekend, I wish it was another three day weekend of fun and sun. But, it's not, I have to do so much work! Well my teacher keeps lingering.
Will blog more later, i suppose.
HEY It's been one week and 4 days. Whooop! How can people date for this long, I don't get it. BAHAHAAHA jk.

new;

This is old news.
Boyfriend
school sucks
i have a big mouth
I suck
pole vaulting is cool.
I have new texts, soon to be none, thanks jenna, savvy, kaitie, and boyfriend.

The end,
will write more when I have a spare moment.

Weekend, plus one;

Friday:
School, watched pole vault practice watched JV soccer game. My man running around. He has a nice butt. (: hahaha. Then me and jenna took Kennzie home. Then we had a huge debate on whether or not she should go to Nora's birthday or the soccer game. I wish we could have got carrots. I want some right now, just now that I think about it. But, I went to the soccer game and was all over my man. Haha. Then in a miracle against KW we WON. First game since '06?! Most exciting thing ever. Even if Maninder got a yellow card in like the last minute. Hahahaha. Then we went to McDonalds and that was just funny. I saw, Kelson, Maninder, James, and Gabert cry. I love seeing guys cry. I'm so proud of them. Then I went home and KNOCKED.
Saturday:
I wake up to Jenna calling me, "I'm outside of your house, get up!". Gosh, thanks, Jennisis. So, I went with her to Junior Olympics, so cute. Who knew how awkward and cute elementary kids could be. Derrick's brother is just so cute. Hahahaha. So then we went to the Job fair, business week, what's good, maybe!? But, that's the only good thing that happened there. Then we went back to the junior Olympics and watched some relays and "600's" total lie. It was like a 525 hahahah. Then we went to Jayde's house, which is hella BOMB. It's soo nice, great view. Uhg, that beezy. I'm excited for chilling there next weekend. I don't care it's going to be fun! Anywho, her dirty tramp is hella fun. Hahaha. Nick Lemmon, wtf?! Almost killed me, Jenna, Jayde, and Keenan. haha. then we left and me and jenna went home to go take showers before having to go out and see guy B and Jfuck. But, they took like fifty years. So when they finally show up, it's like who's that other person, oh it's RJ!? What the hell, that's all I could say. I think it was a good movie choice after all because I didn't really want to watch it and I miss part of it. Hahah I should ask him what happened during that like 10 minutes I missed while I was slightly preoccupied with his face. HAHAHAHA. Then we left and I swear, he's soooo good at kissing, this beezy. Uhg. I feel soo bad for Jenna and her brother and dad seeing her and her hands. And that other boy's hands. Soooo bad. Then I went home and went to bed.
Sunday-Monday:
My sister asked me if I kissed any boys at the movies. I said maybe, which means of course. Happy mothers day mom. I wasn't feeling well. So, I chilled and slept a lot, such a bad idea. My mom was like in her garden all day. Or watching basketball. So, then I went to sleep. Which turned out to be impossible for longer then an hour because I was awake all night, not knowing where I was or what was happening. I was so delirious. I was hot as all get out but, I wasn't thinking right because I'm sick and I couldn't sleep. And the headaches were killing me. Until finally fell asleep at like six. Then my mom woke up at seven and flipped a bitch and pissed my sister off so she was slamming everything. And my mom asked me like three times if I was getting up and I said no, all three times. But, she doesn't listen, ever. And I had a killer headache. I was like crying. So she like attacked my door when my sister said she was ready to leave and yelled "Brenna why aren't you getting up" I fucking screamed it hurt so much. So, I went back to sleep. And got up and took some ibuprofen and slept for 4 hours or so and got up and ate. And now I've been feeling a lot better, no headache. My nose is all icky now though. I'm still going to Young Life, even if I didn't go to school. I didn't feel it this morning but, I'm going to school tomorrow none the less so, Whatevaaa!
I want a boyfriend still, eff it, nevermind. I'm just going to leave him alone. HAHAHAHA. (; Sike, that's impossible for me. Especially when I can't stop thinking about his awkwardness. Hahaha. Shit.

T.M.!

Just part of the awkward views from the stands... (:

This had to have hurt. I remember watching this!

I wish I could jump that high, sheezy.

Screaming girls.

I'm so mad at Jennisis right now. She definitely killed the moment. But, me and my man will soon become me and my boyfriend. Just because of yesterday. Because I'm better then him and he's pretty bomb. Hahaha. And we pecked... Hahahaha I think it'll get better (I hope). I'm still wearing the pants and he's still wearing the skin tight leopard print spandex. So suck it guy B. Suck it! Hahahahahah. I really just want HIM to ask ME out because that would be rather handy. Don't you think, then he could win the game. I told him there's only one way to win the game he just has to figure it out. And it's really obvious. I called him and my experiment was right, he answers his phone the same way every time. Then everyone in the background started laughing so I was very confused. So, then he's like, I'll talk to you later bye. And yeah. I don't know he needs to grow some balls and wear the pants. HAHAHAHA. I'm happy but, then again this may not last long if my mom doesn't get another job soon because basically if things fall out here then we're moving to Colorado or back to Montana. Lovely, right?
I'm happy I got a USB. This way I can tap tap on all the projects for CWI at home or on a computer anywhere and study to my fullest ability. And that whole test review thing that he showed us today was totally on his workspace so, I just tapped that and got all the answers. Hahahahahahah Whoo! Spanish test was easy. I'm not happy because I didn't finish my WB stuff. I fell asleep last night without doing any homework. So, I'm going to fail.
Tony is looking at me. AHHH creepy. Not like, it's creeeeepyyyy but, it's just weird because he messaged me on myspace and was like, I think you're cute just so you know. So awkward. I think I'm going to play bloons now. (: This key board's keys are all out of wack.
Home row = asdfucjhl
Top row = qwertygiop
Bottom row = zxkvbnm
Lovely.
Bloons time. Comment this one maybe?

School and Birthdays

I rather like this picture. And I like class. That assembly was boring. I'm only failing two classes right now but, I can fix one up real quick like. I just have to finish one assignment. And I'm so terrified for math right now. I haven't done my homework. That's why I speed things so quick. Like this blog. So done. Happy birthday Lily and Rykiel! You two are so old now! Hahahahaha.
That assembly was soooo boring, I spent it next to some chill people and staring at some other ones. I hate sitting in the balcony. It makes my eyes hurt. Sucky! I think Travis is going to win. I say Candice should though. Dances will be a lot of fun next year with her as prez! I don't know, I'm going to start on my math homework real quick before I die! The end. Track meet after school! Whoo! Too bad I forgot to grab my jacket!
FML. I don't want to go home.

P.S. I really want a boyfriend! Ahhhhhhh!

I JUST

WANT GUY B TO GROW SOME BALLS AND ACTUALLY MAKE A MOVE!
Maybe it's because we don't talk?!


"Why do little girls have little boops?"
I love Jon&Kate Plus 8!

Goodnight, tomorrow is a new day I find out if I keep living in this state or not?! Right?!

So, you know you're behind on blogging when...

Jenna posted six to my one or whatever. GUY B SUCKS. He is just you know whatever. I'm leaving him alone until like... Friday. I want friday to happen so, it's going to. I just don't know how me and J-en-is-is are going to go about it. I have to definitely be like, sooo guy B, what's good let's kick it at your hot tub on friday if you're down, me+you+j-en-is-is+zeeebra? I think it'd be chill. Especially because I want to kiss someone. It's still been a long eight months. Sucks. I'm at 1003 texts right now. Fuck! That's like $10 already and my mom isn't working very much lately. So, eff! No sadies, if I can help it! I'd go but, I have no money. Like $5 is not that much and I have it in like change but, I still wouldn't have any money. Man! Uhg.



This last weekend was long. So, you can skip until the fast forward part!? Hahah.

Friday:

I went after school to chill with Mytetski and Savvy. We went to Jamba! We played with this little ukrain kid named dillion, i think? Hahah then we ran into Phill and Rob. Hahaha. So good to see these fools. So then we go back to savvy's and I break my texting rule and screw myself over in the end by texting guy B. We ate pretzels. And then mytetski left leaving me and savvy with plans to go into the hot tub at someones. That ended up being guy B's. James came to get us then we jumped in, it was hot. It was nice but, it was hot. I was definitely showing a lot of boob skin. And guy B did nothing. So, then security came and said you got to go kids. So we walk outside and CJ is there so, then we all go to Jamesies. And they play COD WAW Nazi Zombies. That's always a fun time for about 5 minutes then it gets old. Jamesies was hitting on savvy. And i was sitting there watching the vidgames. Then I sit on the couch and they play more. And then Kelson comes and hits on savvy and tries to get guy b to make a move. BUT HE DOESN'T. My hand was like two inches away and no grabbing. Whatever. So then Cj leaves. And james falls asleep on the floor and we're all just sitting there watching tv and chilling. Then Kelson has to be home so we leave.

Saturday:

Wake up. Go to soccer game. Awkward ride there! Let me tell you! We leave JV soccer game. go eat at savvy's. jenna picks us up and we go to varsity soccer game. we sit in the box with a bunch of people. And guy b ends up sitting next to me and still nothing happens because I no nosed it! I yell that and guy B, I don't know if he hears. So we leave me jenna and savvy and we walk over to target then back to savvy's. Long walk. Not the longest though. I was texting guy B on jenna's phone so, he's not only dtf, he wants more then that so. We're going to "chill and make out and then see what happens". Whatever that means. So, then we were chilling and reading Cosmo eating M&Ms and creme savers. So good. Laughing about sex positions of the week. Thanks Cosmo! Haha. Then Jill and Jenna and Sue are supposed to go out and chill. So we go to sushi in covington. Fun times. Sushi is good, I rather enjoy it. I wish I knew how to use chop sticks. But, we kidnap Sue and we go and want to find MMM's house. But, we find out that they are all at the movies so we go and stalk them and such. Blah blah blah. Mmm sucks! Hahaha. He ran away. I wonder if that movie was good...? Anywho so everyone went to go get in the car with jill so, me and guy B went but, the car was full before we got it, not planned this time. So, me and him went and stood against j hawks car and he held me! HE GOT MOVES! hahaha. So, then we went to savvys and slept.

Sunday:
Me and Savvy go to Jennas and we go on a LONG WALK. Like down the hill out to like safeway and back up the hill. Then I chilled with jenna and texted guy b. And ate watermelon and then we went and swung and such. Then I went to family dinner. And my sister hates me for this last weekend. Blah blah. but, she totally ditched out during dinner to go talk to HER BOYFRIEND on the phone. It's my cousin's birthday and we're already late for dinner and she like leaves for 20 minutes while everyone else finishes eating. My cousin is so cute. I like them all. Even though, one is only like 11 months and the other is 7! Where the time goes, I don't know! My other cousin gets in trouble too much, 14 year old boys, right? Then we get home my sister gets me in a headlock and I had to tell her my entire weekend. I guess I forgot to tell her about Kelson being there. Oh well. I guess I'm a LIAR!

Fast forward, Monday, YL;
Ashlan needs to back up off my man. That's what I'm calling him now, he's my man. or my man friend. Hahaha. Not my future boyfriend. He's still sunshine/ guy B too. But, i'll call him my man in general. Especially around like, people who have the same last name as his first name. Like at lunch with my homies who are like, Muslim. Whatever afterward me and guy B did what we did on sunday but, with more talking. I don't know what to talk to him about. Hahaha. But, he asked me if I wanted to hang out but, WE'RE AT YOUNGLIFE. And me and Jordan aren't really friends anymore? wtf? Oh well.
We'll see what happens on friday. hahah. Movies i guess now?
Today my sister made me realize that I don't talk to guy B. So, i'm going to start calling him. Tomorrow. It's getting late. Track meet tomorrow. I wonder if what happened at the last one will happen again? I don't think so. He has practice.
I hate how someone said I loved guy B today. I'm like, no no! I just like him... A LOT. So, again. Girls need to back up off him. He's my man. Even if he isn't my boyfriend. Even if he won't become my boyfriend. I like him sooo much. EFF! I realized that if I don't drink/party/smoke, my sister has no reason to hate me and guy B liking eachother.
Blah Blah. I need to talk to this bugger.
The end. I'm going to post later!

I took this. I like it. I wish I knew how to use photoshop. I need to put everything on my USB so I can upload pictures on to here from school. That way I can just be bomb at everything. And have pictures as well as words. Dial up is very very difficult to use. Especially when it is uploading things like pictures. And like these that are in HQ. OP well. I'm going to go and play a round of bloons really quick like and then go and be stalker creepy. (:

I wish I had time!

I wish I could write everything out that happened this weekend. It was long a very interesting. Guy B equals really bomber now that we have expressed our feelings for each other. I'm just worried about him. My sister is going to talk to him. And she's probably going after savvy. I just don't care right now, I don't want to think about it. I just don't want her to find out where I was from 1:30 to about 10:30 AM Saturday morning. That's all. And it's not like I did anything bad in her book besides like using my sailor's mouth but, that's it. I didn't hold guy B's hands. Because he's a pussy and a bitch. Eff him for being ahhh, him! But, I still like him so it's fine. He got excited when he saw me during passing period, I think. Oh well. He's just a boy. Right? He's going to get murdered by my sister. I really hope that I don't die. I'm going to die. I'm going over my texts. YL tonight. I'm so screwed for it because I don't have money to pay for camp at the moment but, I still want to go and such. Soooooo so bad. AHHHHHGGG! I really wish I knew how to use photoshop well. i just know the jist of it!This sub is like whoaaa. So cute and funny. AHHHH. I don't even know what to say. I'm going the long way to class. Asha best have to go to her locker, and slower then usual too. Hahahahahahah PLEASE! I just want to warn guy B before he dies. He's going to die! Hahahahaha oh so bad. And so funny. After school is either going to be awkward, good, or reaaaaaaaaallly bad!!! Okay done. School is bad right now. I'm not even wanting to go to fifth period. I haven't done ONE Analysis! OMG. So screwwwwed!
Okay
and
yeah.
DONE.

Steak dinner.

Let's start off with the beginning of my day.
I didn't want to get up. I went to school and was on time. I went and sat though presentations. I reestablished a rumor that's true, how much of a bitch am I? Second period was boring and interesting. Third period was, well I posted a blog...! Fourth was lame like always. It's just how we do it. Effing spit wad hanging from the ceiling. Ms. Bitch wouldn't let us leave for forever! UHG. Lunch, don't stop the bop doesn't work with our lunch. We're too tolerable. Fifth period, I read. I'm so scared of that class! Sixth period was well, easy. I got extra credit. After school was fun, going to the East wing to pee. (: Then off to the Track Meet. Number 42! Whoooo! EVERYONE KNOWS WHO I LIKE. Since it was really obvious and really obvious that they left me and guy B alone. For the entire thing. Thank you, thank you. Hahahahaha. Sue, you're great, thank you for running that 400! Me and guy B, we had some nice conversation about track. 4x4 was intense. Everyone knows. So, now I'm just going to tell everyone. HE KNOWS. I know he knows. GUGHSKJD:KLDJGE*(DFSKJ@! So, now I'm going to shut up and just tell everyone that I like him. I LIKE HIM! JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW. Thank you Kelson for being on my side. Thank you for shooing everyone away like, I don't know people I don't care about. I say blah blah blah a lot. Hahahhahhahhahahahahhahahahahahah
So, then I left and went to Wal-Mart with my mom, that was fun got a USB drive for my pictures. And stood in the gardening section for twenty or so minutes. Then we wanted to go home but, the sky looked cool and so we went to the lake and, just wow. It was pretty. I took a picture with my mom, I'm so bomb. So, then we went home, it was nice because I got some steak and pasta dinner. And now I get to play with my pictures and such. So, whatever, I'M COOL. Now I'm going to go do my homework while watching lost with my mom, such a good show!
So, let me ask you this, how do I figure out the way to make someone tell me something without directly asking a question?
Nevermind, I'll just go with the flow, fml fml fml.
KW SUCK IT YOU LOST TO KM, K. Reported, what you got to say now?!

School, again!

I've used this computer for blogging before apparently! But, I don't really remember what computer I used ever. Third period is my favorite class. I just realized. Just because I can work within moderation and there isn't a lot of people to distract me. This class isn't my smallest but, the curriculum is different then a required class like my bio class. It's really small! And that's probably why I'm passing it. Me and Lexi and Justin are the smartest kids in that class and finish half way through the period. Where as, the rest of the 6 or 7 kids that are in the class are definitely not even half way done. It's ridiculous but, it's my napping period. This computer is really slow I'm typing like three sentences and it's just not showing up very quick. that's probably why it was off. Hahahaha.

And last night was very nice but, I don't know what to say much more about it it because I don't to know what is going to happen next. I want to but, I don't I just have to see. All I know is that that press box is very interesting with those sticks! haha. So awkward. It's like Cody, stop hitting me, I don't know you! Hahaha. I wish I had balls. Not like literally but, metaphorically! I want to not be judged by who my sister is or how I used to be or whatever. Or how someone thinks I am. Because a lot of people don't really know me! Shocker right? Probably because I suck at talking to people!!! I really need to work on that. Especially with guy B. Hahahaha soooo bad!


Let me find a pretty picture to end this with just because I know that I want to do something photo related. Let's find a photo website that I can use! BlueMelon? Doesn't work. PhotoBiz? NO! I wish flickr would work! Free digital photos? Great, now the upload thing won't show me "DONE"! Uhg, there we go!

I wish I was here, in the warm warm heat and sun. In my bikini, happy as can be.
I miss you Hawaii, I want to come back to you! <3

So good it's bad?

Happy, happy, happy. Boy department going well. I'm so happy I'm hating the fact that I'm happy. I have a feeling it's going to go depressingly down hill. Because me+boys=chaos! I really like boys and I'm on a constant search to find companionship in male form because, I'm not a lesbian. And boys/boyfriends are something that I want because friendship with me doesn't do well. If I'm not comfortable with you, I can't talk to you about a lot of things. If I'm comfortable with you it's endless possibilities for conversation. And I'm really bad at conversations because I don't want to come off as awkward-er and random-er then I already am. Yet, every time I try it just makes it twenty times (if not more) awkward, random, and worse. So, if I get used to a guy enough that he likes me and I like him and am comfortable with him, which for me with a guy takes a long time, then I can take risks knowing that they'll still like me. I want to be liked and accepted by them and if they can do that, that's big because a lot of people don't like me the way I am. They just don't accept it because I'm like them kinda but, they don't like it. It's either I'm not weird enough to hang out with these people and I'm not normal enough to hang out with these. So, I get caught in between and it's not fun being the only person in that section of the spectrum. So when a guy likes me, it's a big deal for me and I don't know what to do with myself because it seems that if they like me they are more on/accepting of my level. So that's why there's all that shebang. As for right now, I don't know what to do. I think that I am going to screw it up by spending time or being around guy B but, if I don't then it will screw it up, too! So, it's frustrating because I don't want to mess it up and I don't want it to slide into that awkward state of "I like you... and now I don't" due to my abnormality. His awkwardness and me not knowing him and how he handles girls doesn't make me feel anymore secure at all. And him being a douche half the time and me probably taking it the wrong way, and me being a bitch half the time and not knowing if he's taking the right way. I just know that I like him and he likes me, I guess. I can tell from the signs of me saying, "if you don't like my criticism then don't talk to me" and him (after a while) saying "oh burn!". In my eyes that's like him saying he doesn't want to stop talking to me but, in his eyes it's like, "bitch!" or whatever. Well, it could be. I'm not talented of seeing things poly-ways in a quick period of time. I have to sit and think and usually I'm not focused on it. So from the signs I can tell he is fond of me and from other people telling me with out having a connection to eachother about him liking me. Then, I think it's possible that it might be right. Damn me and not trusting people fully! Damn me! I believe Alina but, KC is a little harder to believe with the her being her and could be capable of pulling a very beezy sly move with all my feelings on the line. So, he knows that I like him and I know he knows. And I'm pretty sure that he knows that I know that he likes me back but, I don't know. I just want to brag about it but, it's really mean and foolish because a lot of people think he's a cutie. Which he is, I'm not going to lie. He's pretty bomb, if he has clothes on. Let's just say ding-dong-withoutthe-ditch this weekend will be more successful. I haven't kissed anyone in eight long months. And the last one was A) A bad idea and B) really awkward. And it was a peck (Paaacock!). I want something better this time around, and rumor has it, guy B is pretty good at it. I hate him for being good at everything. So unfair! And Sadies, sadies. Let me find a way to just ask guy B about it, so I won't get pathetically rejected. That would suck sooooo horribly bad and an awkward place will be set. Sadly.
Is it so good it's bad, we'll see about the possible awkward aftershock.

I made a bet with myself...

Sounders game. If they won, I am going to have to have a date to Sadies if they lose, I go alone. They won, who would have thought! Number 17 is really cute, sooo loml! So to find love, I have to go to Columbia and Italy, lovely. I guess I have to start making bank so I can pay for these trips. I slept really well last night. It was lovely. I rather enjoyed it because now my tummy isn't upset like last night because my KFC wasn't cooked all the way through and it was cold! My mom ran into a pole turning the corner at KFC while gawking at an accident. Oh the irony! Now are car has a gigantic dent in the front of it and it scratched with red paint. So my mom's not probably going to let me have anything anytime soon because she has to pay for her car even though I've partially cleaned my room, whatever. Money isn't everything, it just lets you go and do things so you have a good time and make some memories. Not important at all. I'm hungry and I want breakfast, time for some Capitan Crunch. Delicious!

The Month Of May.

May 3rd - Malia, my cousin's birthday.

May 5th - Cinco de Mayo.
May 9th - Sadies.

May 23rd-25th - Memorial Day Weekend.

May 28th - Taylor's birthday.

May, May, May. Flower's bloom in May. And I like flowers!

My cousin's birthday, we're probably not doing some family shaaaabang! So, it's not too fun but, she's going to be seven. Cinco de Mayo is well, a Mexican holiday hahaha, you know me. Sadies, I'm figuring out what I want to wear. If I even want a date, which I don't know or not. Sadies 80's, stupid freshman! Memorial Day Weekend? I wonder what the weather is going to be like, I think I should do something! I think it would be fun to go and do something. Taylor birthday? We'll see what happens, I don't know if she is doing anything but, I guess I'll go if she invites me, it's not like I talk to her or anything, sheez.

I want to wear a tutu to Sadies! I just don't know where to get it or how much money my mom will spend on it. I've been looking at some online. So here:

There's a lot of colors and it's $15.50 for kids and $18.50 for adults w/o S&H.

This one comes in 10 colors and is $13.50 for a child and $15 for an adult w/o S&H.

This is $15.75 w/o S&H and comes in 15 colors. Not with the leo underneath!

This one is $14.50 w/o S&H and comes in 5 colors. It's a little wide!

I dont' know what to do with this! I don't know if I could make one or not. I like the first picture, I think they sell it on amazon! For $13.99! In ten colors:

My mom says no, but it's not that bad!

Frolicking Bunnies

If you think that cute that's the feeling I got today when something amazing happened. Although, it didn't go as I wanted but, I was completely out of control of the situation and conversation that went on. Now, you see. I had a fun time after school developing film, it's going to be lovely tomorrow. I just have to remember the money that I have to pay to get 300 points in photo. Maybe I can do good in that class if I try. I don't know, I probably can. I can ace it. Hahah I SWEAR. Now, math on the other hand, is whatever, that's going downhill. Cwi is whatever. English is bad right now because I can't get through the analyzing parts in a day especially when I've been gone! I have to go to the library and get the book so I can finish the first three chapter analyses. I need to talk to jenna, maybe tomorrow morning. HOPEFULLY! hahahahahahahaha, aaaaaaaaaaahhh i need to definitely lock that convo and message specifically on my phone!
I'm excited for the making of my photos tomorrow in third period, it'll be great! Whooo-Hooo!
Uh, Yeah I don't know what else to say but, tomorrow is my sister's birthday I really need to figure out the BAAAALLOOOON stiuation. Because I don't know if my momsies can drop me some off for my lovely sister. Hahahaha (: yeahhh!
Bed time, i'm done with the homework. I need to put my pizza from tonight in the fridge.

Jump off the bridge, Brenna

Guy A is on some sort of confidence roll and wants some of this. He wants to hang out says him. I just ask him what he wants to do. and he's like if there's other people (which there usually is) then chill and if not, "Iono" which means he wants to get on my nuts in guy A language. So, I said uhh okay. And then he asks me what I want to do but, I'm like, UHHH. whatever? Because I had to consult the BF but, she was taking too long and I wasn't responding quick meaning I was thinking about it, which I was but, I don't want him to know I was thinking about it, you know? UHG So, anyways. I wanted to just yell at him like a scene in a movie, I LIKE YOUR BEST FRIEND. But, that's hella mean. Especially when he's like OHHH HEYY. It just looked bad in my mind. So, BF said that I should just tell guy A about guy B, his BFFFFFFFF and I'm going to casually drop it into the conversation, when the time is right, like after the convo dies down to a "Yup" again, because it will, the fact that I asked him if I could trust him earlier and he said yes so, I have to tell him that I wanted to do that so I could tell him about guy B and how I like guy B and he could help me with guy B. Gosh, I'm a bitch. ANYWHO! So, I came up with this bomb metephor, in my opinion. Guys are like dogs, once they pee on a hydrant it's theirs. Basically guy A is like trying to pee on me, poor hydrant and and I want guy B to pee on me because I'd rather be his teritory. Hahahahahhahahhaahha so horrible but, you get the point. FML FML FML.

Go stupid!

Go me! Science WASL, done and over with. No more of that nonsense! I'm very excited about that! Although the guy I was sitting next to was still creepy day one and two. I don't know who he was really but, still awkward. He was like staring at me in a I'm a serious kinda creeper, creeper like way! There's cars or trucks or whatever pulling in and out of the gravel part in front of my house. So I keep thinking people are here or it's the random people that are showing up at the empty house next to mine with the pair tree. Uhg. Oh well. They're white but, I think they might kill us. They have a ghetto car so, man I'm going to die soon! And it's not even them it's the Mexican neighbors doing NOTHING but, driving and making the gravel that they really don't have to use, all messed up!
So, I'm going to be very frustrated tomorrow. I have to bring my camera and stuff for the field trip that I MIGHT be going on because I didn't get cleared but, Drum didn't say no yet. So I don't know. I wish I could go, I'll dress accordingly. I have to do my homework still. I hope I can go. I wish I could go! AHHHHHH. So so horrible. I'm so stupid. I don't even remember school on Friday! Not one bit. I took some risks today, textually. I asked guy A if I could trust him. He said in one word, "Yes" but I didn't get back to him until like after school. Maybe he could be a friend and not an asshole after all... And I admitted playfully that I do hit on guy B. Although it's REALLY OBVIOUS I do every chance I get. Haha. I'm such a bitch now thinking back. Haha. And he's been a dick. So, it's even. Haha. Now I just have to pop that whole "ARE YOU HITTING ON ME" thing back at him. Oh the balls I wish I had. The baaaaaaaaaallls!
OH AND This one girl did the most b-wordy thing today. I felt like punching her in the face, not in a "ohhhhh I want to punch her in the face!" No, no. More like "That bitch deserves to get punched in the face for saying that shit"! Really, you don't have to be a bitch when I've done nothing to you at all but, come and say hi, thank you for being my acquaintance for a while, thanks for just ruining that. I'm not going to talk to you. If you're like "Brennis!" i'll be like "...hi." Just because I'm a spiteful person, thanks. Made me feel like shit until I got to first period. I had to sit through Spanish with all these people around me that I don't really know except for like, little Chris, but, he's not really my friend unless I have NO ONE else to talk to and vis versa. But, I guess Valerie talks to me, she's so cute hahaha. Funny story, never wearing shorts that are not Bermudas to school again, too many people were looking and all was not right!
I need to stop texting i'm half way done and it's been four days. I have 26 more days to go. I'm done texting until I need to or if guy B ever decides to text me. I hope he does well at his gaaaaaaaame. Dah, dah, dah.
FML, homework time and waiting time, thanks jenna for getting some chowder. THANKS!

Two ideas, one blog;

In this beginning part I need to just explain myself, for myself. That's the only reason I'm doing it, for myself. No one else but, you can read it. If you don't want to wait till the complete next line blank, yeah? I'm saying some honest things from my opinion, and i'm just thinking in text for myself, again. Haha
First off let's say: I think far too much! And it ruins everything. You know how everything that is ever super fun isn't planned. Everything good that happens, you didn't mean for them to happen! I ruin that by thinking and fantasizing by creating life like scenarios that will never happen. I am a cancer, born in July. I like to reminisce. I depend on what I'm wearing/how my makeup is done/how my hair is done for luck. You know like, lucky undies or lucky zebra bras? It's like that but, with basically everything for me. If I don't brush my hair, if I do. How late I go to bed. The amount of eyeliner. I guess it's me being self conscious or whatever, I'm not sure. I need to become a psychiatrist who goes to a psychiatrist. I can't believe I spelled that right! whoo! haha. I say "Haha" too much. I'm terrified of expired food, or near expired food. I don't like hot dog buns really, not my favorite type of bread. I could live off of it if I was stuck on a desert island because I wouldn't eat too much of it at once :D. I'm not really "athletic", I fake it. Unless it's like volleyball with bad people and if it's like yoga, i'm sure i'd be good at that. I don't like some of my friends. I don't like being made fun of, it's a problem with my childhood, my sister always made fun of me so, I always feel like shit about myself. Especially around like, "friend d". She makes me feel like shit because I want to do what I want to do. She makes me feel like a slut. She makes me feel like I'm supposed to be something that I'm not. She makes fun of me because I'm bad at sports because my mom didn't have enough money to put me into a fastpitch team from ages 5-9 or gymnastics since I was 2. She makes me feel like I'm horrible unless I'm being just like her. And I know I'm not and she doesn't like that so she puts me down. And I hate it. Friend J makes me feel better because she's a bitch, I can tell her that to her face but, she's a teenage girl. She's more my maturity level then friend d. She and I can have a good time even though she can get sick of me and probably thinks I'm needy. Which I am. I've been raised by myself so, I want companionship. One that i've never had so I cling to boys as an excuse. Friend t is the only friend that I have that I can hate and know that I can still love her entirely. She's judgemental but, it's fine. She's a bitch, I be a bitch back. But, we understand eachother. But, we've been drifting and becoming different people and I'm becoming bitter about the friendship that we had last year, two years ago, and even further then that. It's not going to be like that anymore because she has her own life and I have mine. Though, it wasn't even this bad when she lived in different states. She lives 30 minutes away and never wants to see me. My sister is leaving. She's turning 18, it's hell. What am I going to do without my mom. Her birthday's in like, 4 days and I don't know what to do for her. I don't know how to react or think about it. I don't know her lately. She's put walls up, so, I don't know if what I do will make her happy or even care because she doesn't care lately. Whatever, I'm still doing nice things for her because she needs it. I'm a bitch, I know it. If you don't like what my opinion is, it's just my opinion. Then end. hahaha


As I'm watching Jon & Kate Plus 8, they're in Hawaii. They reminded me of the time that me and my sister and my mom went to Hawaii. My Aunt and cousin too. And I get the feeling and wanting, the feeling and wanting that I get in summer or around summer. I want to go on a plane to somewhere hot. The feeling that I used to get when I was little (like 8 or 9 or whatever) when we were told at like ten at night by my mom that we were driving to Montana, the next day or in the next few days and we'd start packing. and then go. Maybe it's the dress I'm wearing or the sun shinning. Or the way that the sun set tonight but, I just have the feeling. Last summer or two summers ago, maybe both, I got the wanting feeling to go and roadtrip. A hot, nice, sunny roadtrip. Like we did when I was younger. Reminicant of flying in planes to Mexico or Hawaii or going to Montana on a roadtrip. When everything was simple and fine and my mom wasn't crazy hormonal and starting to drink at 5 or whenever she gets off work. When my sister was still awkward and not turning eighteen in 4 days and not graduating with her friends and some of mine. In, 54 days to be exact. There's 64 days until school ends. It makes me feel weird and unprepared for life. Time to get my act together at school. Thime to think of beyond and college. Time to learn how to drive, for real. Time to start looking for a job. Time to get study habits. Time to finish my room. Time to get a calendar and desk. And a tan. And be prepared. Next Saturday fundraising, isn't going to happen. Too short of notice. Thanks YL for being prepared. Time for the summer of my life. Time for everything I've needed to happen this summer, to happen.

That last blog was before I finished this, before everything. I overreact but, I feel like I needed to vent. I feel bad about it but, I don't regret saying the things I said. My mom needs to get a slap in that face and grow some balls and ears. I was mad, finishing this made it better. Goodnight, WASL tomorrow, getting there early, hopefully...


OH YEAH AND,
Thank you Quan for making me think about May 9th. Let me get my game face on....ding-dong!
Opportunities? Tons!
Chances? Slim!
Guts? Even slimmer!
We'll see how this goes, I guess. Bombs away mind, not caring is soooo in right now.
P.S. New texts for two days and i'm already over 300. No texting unless neccesary or until next saturday and limit 200 for the next two weeks, hopefully. I don't want my mom flippin a b-word again. And I just noticed how jhawk is really desperate, kinda. Sunken kinda low. WOWSIES.

I hate choking up!

I hate when my mom yells at me about shit when she knows that it goes no where.
You say you want to take shit away from me, fucking do it. Grow some balls. I try to make a point about you and you don't even fucking listen. Yeah, you ask me to do something but, FUCK YOU'RE THE ONE WHO RAISED ME TO BE THIS WAY. Oh wait, who raised me was myself and my sister with a hint of you giving me shit. Thanks mom, thanks for fucking my life over because everything that you did and didn't do made me the way I am. Take your hormones and fucking get yourself in check because right now, yeah I'm hormonal too and you have to bring it up, fuck you fuck you fuck you. It just pisses me off. What the fuck? If you ask me to do something and I do it, you don't even fucking care but, if i don't FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH, right mom? Right!? Shit, YOU WONDER WHY KELSEY WANTS TO MOVE OUT SO BAD. It's because of you. It's because of your bullshit. Because you fucking blow up and get emotional about everything like, really do you expect me to be nice to you if you don't deserve it?! I don't give a fuck anymore, I'm going to just fuck everything up so you can bitch at me 24/7 and then you'll get so mad and everything. You'll be like, fuck fuck fuck my life is so horrible because I don't have enought money to get by, don't bring that around me don't make me feel like shit because you do.
Here let me go get a job. Here let me find some 40 year old pervert that will ruin my exsistence so you can be fucking happy with out any kids so you can drink and smoke all you want so that you can pretend that you never had kids. I'm sure you've though about what life would have been like if you never did, how wonderful it would have been to just have fun and shit. Not having to spend money on anyone but, yourself and your fucking boyfriend I'm guessing celebration after I graduate, you're fucking rid of everything you'd ever have to take care of? RIGHT? This is why I have so many fucking self problems, thanks. Thanks.

It's Times Like These...

When you wish that you had summer, you wish you didn't have to go back to school on Monday. You wish that you could just go and have fun with your friends whenever you want to, doing whatever it is that you are doing. Watching soccer games, yelling for some people on the team, talking about loves of our lives like ZE and Blondie. Team meetings before playing ding-dong-ditch with your mouth. Driving home with some Mexicans attached to your car. Playing with chalk. Going out on Friday and getting some gas! Going to the lake to skip rocks. Playing Wii with the gun. Going to UW gymnastics meets. Having boys over at your house. Making some bomb food like cookies and nachos and such. Going to the mall, going to drivers ed. Going anywhere and everywhere you can think of and just have fun like no other. Not thinking that you have school on Monday. Not thinking of school at all. Not having to WASL. Not having any doubts, just going for it. Just doing it. Having fun times and memories. It can always be like that. Summer is the only time and I don't even know what my plans are. My birthday is a mystery. My August might be Virginia. My June is partially school. Young Life camp in July, for a week. Fourth of July, no idea. Working at the fireworks stand? Yes, yes! Staying out until the sun comes back up, hopefully. Long adventures to no where and everywhere. Eating some late night taco bell in the hot hot heat of summer. Thunderstorms, Forest fires that light up the sky. Wild Waves, Silverwood, all the fixin's. Corn on the cob with tons of butter. Lemonade. Camping. Swimming. Tanning. Sitting at home relaxing. Freshly cut grass. Road trips. Day trips. Night trips. Quick trips. Gas trips. Bathing suits. The smell of chlorine. Smell of bronzer. Ropes corses. Go karts. Swimming pools. Volleyball. Running. Jumping. Yelling. Singing. Summer songs. I'm so ready. 66 days remaining. Just live my life.

Hold My Breath

If I had to pick a time for the world to end, I say now. Right now. I'm so angry at myself right now, just from not knowing shit. I have a Spanish test that I'm doomed to fail tomorrow because I forgot everything over break. I wasn't thinking school, I was thinking Quiero fun! I don't know how to even get through the night. I have to finish some math homework. I have a project due tomorrow! And since I wasn't at school today, I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. I have to get the PowerPoint done but, if the file is corrupted then, shit how am I supposed to do it. I can't fix everything in two seconds. I need to borrow my sister's USB or I need to just work my ass off for the short time I have in first period. Maybe he'll give me another day.
Math homework, try and remember Spanish. Try and not die. I don't know what to do, I just can't do it. I'll just look up as much information I can right now for the project. I think I have the new rubric. I can't do pictures either way unless I find a really bomb source. Nothing else to do but, work. And work. Maybe I'll eat something and gain some weight. Fuck, I'm sure I'll look no different in the face since I'm chubby there anyways. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. I'm staying up until my mom gets home. I need to! I need to charge my iPod and have a think off. Shit, fuck, bullshit. Duuuuuuude, I just need tomorrow to come a little bit sooner. I wish my computer didn't have viruses.
fyi, fml. I hate my self right now, the Adrenalin makes me feel sick!

Hm,

Confusion, confusion. And I don't want to jump to conclutions. That's it.
Soccer game. Us 0, them 5. We got murdered, and I feel bad. But, it was an interesting ride there and back with Stephanie. I dare say, fun. Counting some coffee stands. 28 in a 5 mile radius. It only happens here, I swear! Silly coffee. Brandon is annoying, beyond beliefe. I owe steph $4! And tomorrow is a new day. A hopefully good new day.
The end. Bed time. Regular school tomorrow!

School: part one.

Photo Two has a field trip. That'll be fun. I have to basically get these photos done, so quick. I need to get some more film today and take a roll when I get home, somehow. I'll go for a walk somewhere. I don't know what to do with this class, there's so many things that I need to do. I'm missing three assignments and it's just wow. I don't know what to do by the end of the week. But, field trip on the 22nd! Whoo! I just have to turn everything in by thursday. The 22nd is a Wednesday, next wednesday. Two days before my sister's birthday. I have to get some prints done. I have my Spanish test on Thursday. I have my Panama project due again on Thursday. I have nothing fun coming up because I don't know about Friday. I need to talk to Jenna about it. Last night kind of crashed everything. I definitely need to talk to Jenna about that. And now I'm hearing framiliar names thrown around behind me. But, I don't know if it what I think I heard. I'm not too sure. English is going to be bad. She's grading my paper soon and I'm probably going to get like a D because I tried to write and she doens't like me. People who didn't finish it definitely got B's. Fml. I hate teachers who are so hard on me. I've got an A in spanish, so that won't go down too bad if I do horrible on thursday. My bio grade is bomb. I totally owned on that last quiz because I was terrified of it. It took me forever. I got 14/15! Math is math, it's something I just do. I don't know, yesterday she was flippin a beezy because I wasn't taking notes, oh well. I think that it's fine, you know, you know. I can always understand things. I have a lot of homework in that class tonight. I can do it at "study tables" and MAYBE I'll go to practice today. WASL was whatever today, there was like 2 hard questions that I guessed on out of like 20. Not too shabby. It was rather easy peasy lemon squeezy. Ya digg?
My sister's here, time to be done and get to work, yo!

Times a'ticking part 2

I just died a little inside, it's not that I don't love my sister, because I do and not that I don't care about what's happening in her life and want to be there for her, because I am and I will be. It's just that I have no freedom. And she keeps going on about losing Alexa to Stephanie. I don't know about you but, can't she just forgive Steph and be done with it? I just am seeing flames all around me from every aspect. Even the new cable box is going down the drain since my mom isn't finishing what she started. I guess facebook was just too interesting for her. And I have to hear about her boyfriend that doens't trust her. Which is bad. And he's leaving for more training soon. He's not my favorite I can deal but, I still have a bad feeling about him. Especially after Easter. The boy front is just upsetting now, I can't even deal with it, I should just go try and finish my homework and everything will be peaches and fine by the morning, right? Just another day of WASL and another day of not being what people want me to be. And me thinking of them as something great, when I turns out their not. Stupid family, too. Attacking my sister yesterday. I might go to Vriginia this summer with my aunt, uncle, and three cousins. It's just that I don't know if that'll be the best for me. Seeing the country but, knowing no connection to my uncle's family. And these kids are something else. They fight and one of them will be just 14 months. And my aunt gets sick of me but, my uncle's cool, if he's not in bitch mode. It'll be a long drive there and back. Seeing the country, being far away on an adventure with a family. Sure, let's just go for it, August here I come. Sweet sixteen, here I come. Young Life Camp, here I come. Right now though, hell, everything is just burning in this hell.

Times a'ticking!

And with so many things too! I'm not going to do that stupid spring break recap, you can just read old posts. Time is flying by with everything. School, the year, this last week, everything but, this week is going by slowly. My sister always comes around when I start a post! Yesterday, I wanted to but, she woke up. Today, I get on this page and she comes home. And she's like Jenna's parents. Always looking, no matter what. It's really annoying. I hate it! Good thing she's almost moving out. Ten days! Then freedom. Whoooooo!
So, sadly, I've declared that I'm letting myself like guy B, but, I don't know why I feel like, it's not the way it should be. When we were texting, he didn't really want to text, I don't know. I was just conversing in my usually OH A BOY, flirty (I try, I don't know if I succeed) way. So, I don't know, maybe it's me. But, I like seeing him, I don't go looking for him. I don't want to. I just want to talk to him. I just want to make out with him or someone, it's been too long (I'm keeping track. It's been about 10 months)! I haven't kissed anyone since September. And, I know. That's not that long but, it's noticeable for me. Maybe I should just focus on creeper guy, easy kissing. Haha, still creepy. And I don't know about Friday. I don't know what to do. I don't know, I don't know. Jordan asking me when we're hanging out next, most always means Jenna. And Aaden, I want him to come, it could be fun! Hahaha. We could do something, I just don't know... I just don't know. I need to focus on that last Friday's deets. Then, everything will seem fine! Then I won't have to think about the other guys. Then I won't think of what I want. I don't know what my expectations are. I don't know! Let me go back to the more depictable guy. The one who is shockingly something that I'd never guess! Hahaha, I just need to look at him! Then I'll be over it. I just can't believe it. Anyway! I want to know what he wants before I decide what I want because I don't think that I'm like the last girl. I'm definitely not like her. She had major ovary balls, and I have something more along the lines of, shriveled eggs.
This just in: my sister isn't moving out! Ruins my plans. And I guess she's failing and doesn't have hopes of getting them up. ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!
All the other ones! Summer just went downhill. Sooo down, i'm not going to finish this. FML

True To Me

This is the current love of my life:

I want it in Laguna Blue. It would complete me. Honda S2000 CR, I love you.



So, "Josh Stockton" is a creeper who wants to get on. Just because I said that I wanted to hang out. Because he has a car. And a permit. He's not very cute. Kinda creepy, actually. He claims I hung out with him and Kennie a few months ago but, I don't remember hanging out with Kennie or him. And then he adds me out the random. And he asks me if I'm single. I tell him the truth, I want to have fun! So, then he asks if I want to have sex! Like WTF!? No (not with you hahaha). So, we stop talking about it and are "hanging out next weekend". Like me and my new friend Dan, who I've been set up with by my holding on by the strands best friend*. We're hanging out on saturday but, I have to go the tulip festival because that's just what me and my family do, so. Suck it! Not to mention if I do anything with anyone this weekend besides my family, there's a small percent chance that I'll hang out with "Josh Stockton" but, a bigger chance I'll chill with Dan, just because I don't get weird creeper vibes from him!

*Taylor is basically being how she always is, flakey and noticing that our friendship is kind of failing but, isn't making an effort to fix it. There's the idea of fixing it but, from where I'm standing, I've tried. I've called all week and she hasn't really made time for me. And I understand that she wants to hang out with Sam and Kenna and her sister and her family. But, there's not even a day for me? I'm giving up on it, there's no point in prolonging the agony on my side! Out of sight out of mind.

So, last night was fun, and that's it. I enjoyed it, I don't know how the other three people thought of it. Jordan probably was bored out of his mind in a blur of tiredness. He almost passed out on my couch and in my chair. It was intense. I wish I would have gone and got in the hot tub. FML and being a good kid! FML about swinging back into it BUT, it's new and improved with added feelings! Whooo! FML FML FML. I really should listen to Jayde on this one. I just don't know which part of it though...!

Looking forward to later in the morning, not looking forward to WASL or school. I need to study when I get home tomorrow night! And I need to go clear off my bed! And work on my spring break recap that's coming tomorrow!

Ahora!

I'm cleaning my room, so intense. I'm done with the second worst of it all. I can't pick up all the little tiny pieces on my floor so, I moved on. Now I'm halfway under my bed. Pulling things out with a boomerang I found. I've found some rather odd things in that room of mine. I don't think it's a hole now, I think it's a room that is a more organized hole. I want to do a few things when I'm done with it!:

• Full legnth mirror
• Re-arrange
• And paint!

But, I don't know what color to paint it! I don't want a boring color and I don't want something i'll get sick of, because I will get sick of some colors. No pink, no ugly butter yellow, no bright green. Maybe a blue or a dark purple, maybe dark green. Maybe I want some of that forest wall paper like Big Black has Haha. That'd be sick!! I don't know, I'll have to consult mis amigos y mi madre y mi hermana. Fosho.


A peer into the future: Story of 4/10/09 and story of myspace guy!

After tomorrow, it's done!

Today, I plan on cleaning, for real this time, I'm about to get to it! I need to do laundry and vacuum and pick things up. Like, everything in my hole of a room. Maybe then I can get unlimited texting. Maybe then my mom will have nothing to bitch at me about. Maybe.
I was supposed to already be done with the task at hand but, gosh that sun always seems to make the day a little brighter, so I went and did stuff. Yesterday, I could have cleaned but, my mom was home, with her boyfriend! Man, that just pissed me off. And my mom asking me what was wrong every two seconds like she has been this entire week. I haven't been feeling very vibrant and I got this cold like two days ago. So, it's not been terribly fun. And my sister is gone. Which makes me pretty depressed because this is how it's going to be in about 13 days. I have to take care of her annoying cat who you have to pay attention to in the middle of the effing night. And my mom will be all up in my business like no other. Anywho. I need the hallway to clean. And I need quiet (not my mom's voice) to clean. And then I'll be fine. I think I could get done by tomorrow if I start soon! I just need a place to put everything I don't want. I'll make room in the garage! And as long as my mom isn't home I'll keep cleaning.

As for the title of this, today is Friday and tomorrow is Saturday. Then spring break is done, because on Sunday it's Easter, something I'm not looking forward to, and it's a FAMILY day. Not a day to bring my sister's boyfriend of two seconds, who to me doesn't have a personality that she would usually go for or anything, along with us. I'm fine with seeing my family. I'm fine with that but, I have no comfort zones if she's off limits and my mom is going to be at work! My family and me don't have the great, "I'm so proud of you" relationship. It's more like, "Oh Kelsey this" and "Oh Kelsey that". I have to watch my cousin this year too. She's six and annoying as ever, and it's not like I don't like her it's just I don't know how to shut her up and I don't remember how I played as a first grader. I really don't. So, I'll have no down time and such. Just eating, watching, and wishing I was able to have someone to talk to. Thank you black sheep title, thank you! Tomorrow is going to be boring too, since I have no one to talk to, since Jenna is going to be at the track meet, Danielle is sick of me and I'm a little sick of her (it happens), Taylor is not going to talk to me, because she has other things to do, like always. No time for me. I can see that friendship falling out real quick like. I don't know what to do with that one. I guess I'll get to cleaning now, fun stuff. Maybe I should eat first, eat for energy and then clean, clean, clean.
Did I mention that I had an epiphany last night! Too much thinking is bad for me but, brain storming strategies is good.
Off to cleaning!
Jenna come get your pants, or you'll never see them again...!

4pm-ish

Faint memories of a fun night two years ago are rolling through my mind. The one time I made some bad decisions, the one time I actually did something stupid but, it was fun stupid, not like,"Oh shit I cut off my hand!" stupid but, an expirence. I wish I had more of these, it will happen eventually.
On to today! I've gotten up, taken a shower, drank some gatorade, ate a rice crispy treat, charged my iPod, been on myspace, got hope, let hope go, realized I'm sick, gave up on my mom and.... it's about 4PM. Let me find something to do tonight! I'll go see a movie by myself, if I have to. I'll walk somewhere at 3 AM! I don't care. I want something to do! Soooooo bad. I'm just sitting inside, waiting and wanting. Wishing someone could come get her pants and have the car and such. I think it would be lovely if that happened! Maybe she should just call back. Maybe I should just go watch that movie now, or find some one else to pester. Maybe, maybe.

Drinking Water

The last two days, I don't know what to say. I walked up a hill on an adventure. I jumped off a swing. I rode a bus. I went to the mall. I painted six nails, six different shades of pink. I walked through a scary part of town at night. I ate subway, twice. One time, it was inexpensive. The second, it wasn't. The first one, at the subway by school, was just over $5, like a 5 dollar foot long. i get the same one and it's $6.74. At the mall. Worst thing ever, I hate when people don't get the memo about deals. It sucks. Everything I did, I did it in my newer pair of Reefs.

I am in these mind games. I'm kidding myself with them, because I said it was fine, getting myself into this mess of, "I don't know"'s and "sure"'s and everything, I like but, hate at the same time. And it makes me sick of myself. And makes everyone around me sick, because I do this. I do this every time. I make myself so vulnerable and stupid. I sink myself into this hole. A mind game with myself. Yet, before it was just myself playing these mind games but, I'm starting to think that maybe it's him too. Me thinking this, knowing I should stop thinking but, I can't because there is no justice, there is no action, it could be another trick in this cycle of mind games never ending inside of my head because I have hormones and over active ones at that. But, the way he looks at me makes me want to think something more then what he is thinking. It's different for me then for him because he is detached and he is, him. I just want to stop thinking and start knowing but, my communication skills are lacking. And guts just aren't there. I have no moral support to fall back on. Since no one listens, no one I can talk this out to step by step who will understand. And all those who do, won't listen because they 'know me'. Which I don't get because I don't know me. I don't know myself. I can't depict it. I can't tell you how I am. I can't tell you anything about me but, what I want to be and what I try to be. It's all I lie. I've been raised as a puppet, not wanting to be a puppet but, knowing I'll always be a puppet that does bad things, that aren't always good and right. That doesn't really know any better. I need something, well some one to tell me what to do. To tell me what to be because I don't know how to exist without it. I don't know how to function. That's why I need someone to understand what I am going through, and not because they are involved in it and not because they are who it is happening to, but, because they have a good, real, true caring for me.
And I won't be able to find that.
I hate liars and I hate fakes. And I wish it was easier and I wish I wasn't who I am now but, I am and I'm stuck with it like a lost puppy. I just really want some help or some answers to get me by. To know that I have a reason to continue on, not in a trance with hints of reality but, to have experiences and be. If you understand that.
Fyi, fml. My day was sucking until that point when I saw a hat with blond hair under it sitting next to a guy with a long neck and that stupid grin that gets me every time, man. Fuck my life.

Spring Fever

It's spring break now. Time for fun right?! I have no high expectations. No one really would want to hang out with me. It's just a thing I've noticed. I'm really boring and don't do anything. Whatever, I just go with it, fine.

I'm stupid though. Because I think and I don't think about the right things. I think too much. I think about how fertile I must be. Otherwise my hormones are just over acting pieces of shit. And obviously, i'm just some sloppy seconds. Makes me feel great. Maybe I should just become the school slut. Fuck everyone in sight. Sounds lovely. Fuck it. I will. That way I can have tons of fun and not be boring but, I'll be a slut. Only liked by guys. That's what my hormones are telling me. I have no chance of getting a boyfriend or anything close to it anyway. So, we're good. I'm finished thinking about it, I'm just going to do it and ignore my feelings or whatever. Fuck it. I'm so not happy about it. I should have just stuck to guy B. Maybe I'll just swing back into it. Maybe i'll just go and dig myself a hole and live it in. The End.

Lover vs Hater

Hate is a strong word and love is a strong word. Neither do I use very often and mean it. It's more of a like and a dislike but, that's just me. On to the point;


Good or bad? The long lasting devil/angel situation. Do I make the right decision or not? Am I going with what I think or what other people think. Is right really right? Is wrong really all that wrong? There are so many answers that I can't find in my self to help describe this. Bad isn't that bad anymore with the society being excepting of things like teen pregnancy and drugs and underage drinking. I know over seven different teenage mothers. And they are all doing fine. I know of so many people that just this last weekend went to a party and got busted for it. I know that there is a lot of bad things in this world but, who decides what's good and bad. Is it bad to have your own opinion on what is right and wrong? Is it bad to not like people who have such a "strict" opinion and their morals? Is it right for people to do things others don't approve of? I think it depends on you, as a person. You can choose to see these things as you want to see them or if you don't. You can be close minded. You can be open minded. You can be in between. You can see bad qualities in yourself. You can definitely see good ones too. And you can find that in everyone, it's just all your opinion.

Lover vs hater?
Are you positive or negative? Do you pick fights with anyone?! Do you encourage a lot of people? Do you do all good things? Do you do all bad things?





In the end how do you see yourself?

• Do you see yourself and the world with your own opinion?
• Do you see yourself and the world with the eyes of everyone else?
• Do you see yourself as positive?
• Do you see yourself as negative?

I'm a lover and a hater, I'm a seer and a believer. The world is twisted.

Just a quick blah, blah, blah:

Subject A; Do I like A or do I dislike A? That is the question. There are many factors leading me into the like aspect of it all, the factors being, subject A is very powerful from where I stand (at this point). Do I dislike A because A has all the power? I suppose. So which side wins. Of course, me being me wanting the affection and domineering aspects of A, I want the like. But, I often swing back into the "I'm so done" dislike phase. Obviously, there is a very strong vibe that I want from A so, that's why I can't stop thinking about A.
FYIFML!

Great Ideas

Lately, I've been thinking, I don't come up with things a lot. And when I do I rarely finish them (I think I have a lack of passion in my life). Yet today as a spur of the moment type of thing, I had a great idea to create this blog and make it my own. That way I can voice my opinion, be creative and work on this lack of passion and lack of creativity and I guess spontaneity. I'm hoping to talk about everything freely and openly without stigmas and such. And I hope I can voice what goes on in my life in an inconspicuous, totally obvious kind of way. Thus, here it begins, I suppose!