Two ideas, one blog;

In this beginning part I need to just explain myself, for myself. That's the only reason I'm doing it, for myself. No one else but, you can read it. If you don't want to wait till the complete next line blank, yeah? I'm saying some honest things from my opinion, and i'm just thinking in text for myself, again. Haha
First off let's say: I think far too much! And it ruins everything. You know how everything that is ever super fun isn't planned. Everything good that happens, you didn't mean for them to happen! I ruin that by thinking and fantasizing by creating life like scenarios that will never happen. I am a cancer, born in July. I like to reminisce. I depend on what I'm wearing/how my makeup is done/how my hair is done for luck. You know like, lucky undies or lucky zebra bras? It's like that but, with basically everything for me. If I don't brush my hair, if I do. How late I go to bed. The amount of eyeliner. I guess it's me being self conscious or whatever, I'm not sure. I need to become a psychiatrist who goes to a psychiatrist. I can't believe I spelled that right! whoo! haha. I say "Haha" too much. I'm terrified of expired food, or near expired food. I don't like hot dog buns really, not my favorite type of bread. I could live off of it if I was stuck on a desert island because I wouldn't eat too much of it at once :D. I'm not really "athletic", I fake it. Unless it's like volleyball with bad people and if it's like yoga, i'm sure i'd be good at that. I don't like some of my friends. I don't like being made fun of, it's a problem with my childhood, my sister always made fun of me so, I always feel like shit about myself. Especially around like, "friend d". She makes me feel like shit because I want to do what I want to do. She makes me feel like a slut. She makes me feel like I'm supposed to be something that I'm not. She makes fun of me because I'm bad at sports because my mom didn't have enough money to put me into a fastpitch team from ages 5-9 or gymnastics since I was 2. She makes me feel like I'm horrible unless I'm being just like her. And I know I'm not and she doesn't like that so she puts me down. And I hate it. Friend J makes me feel better because she's a bitch, I can tell her that to her face but, she's a teenage girl. She's more my maturity level then friend d. She and I can have a good time even though she can get sick of me and probably thinks I'm needy. Which I am. I've been raised by myself so, I want companionship. One that i've never had so I cling to boys as an excuse. Friend t is the only friend that I have that I can hate and know that I can still love her entirely. She's judgemental but, it's fine. She's a bitch, I be a bitch back. But, we understand eachother. But, we've been drifting and becoming different people and I'm becoming bitter about the friendship that we had last year, two years ago, and even further then that. It's not going to be like that anymore because she has her own life and I have mine. Though, it wasn't even this bad when she lived in different states. She lives 30 minutes away and never wants to see me. My sister is leaving. She's turning 18, it's hell. What am I going to do without my mom. Her birthday's in like, 4 days and I don't know what to do for her. I don't know how to react or think about it. I don't know her lately. She's put walls up, so, I don't know if what I do will make her happy or even care because she doesn't care lately. Whatever, I'm still doing nice things for her because she needs it. I'm a bitch, I know it. If you don't like what my opinion is, it's just my opinion. Then end. hahaha


As I'm watching Jon & Kate Plus 8, they're in Hawaii. They reminded me of the time that me and my sister and my mom went to Hawaii. My Aunt and cousin too. And I get the feeling and wanting, the feeling and wanting that I get in summer or around summer. I want to go on a plane to somewhere hot. The feeling that I used to get when I was little (like 8 or 9 or whatever) when we were told at like ten at night by my mom that we were driving to Montana, the next day or in the next few days and we'd start packing. and then go. Maybe it's the dress I'm wearing or the sun shinning. Or the way that the sun set tonight but, I just have the feeling. Last summer or two summers ago, maybe both, I got the wanting feeling to go and roadtrip. A hot, nice, sunny roadtrip. Like we did when I was younger. Reminicant of flying in planes to Mexico or Hawaii or going to Montana on a roadtrip. When everything was simple and fine and my mom wasn't crazy hormonal and starting to drink at 5 or whenever she gets off work. When my sister was still awkward and not turning eighteen in 4 days and not graduating with her friends and some of mine. In, 54 days to be exact. There's 64 days until school ends. It makes me feel weird and unprepared for life. Time to get my act together at school. Thime to think of beyond and college. Time to learn how to drive, for real. Time to start looking for a job. Time to get study habits. Time to finish my room. Time to get a calendar and desk. And a tan. And be prepared. Next Saturday fundraising, isn't going to happen. Too short of notice. Thanks YL for being prepared. Time for the summer of my life. Time for everything I've needed to happen this summer, to happen.

That last blog was before I finished this, before everything. I overreact but, I feel like I needed to vent. I feel bad about it but, I don't regret saying the things I said. My mom needs to get a slap in that face and grow some balls and ears. I was mad, finishing this made it better. Goodnight, WASL tomorrow, getting there early, hopefully...


OH YEAH AND,
Thank you Quan for making me think about May 9th. Let me get my game face on....ding-dong!
Opportunities? Tons!
Chances? Slim!
Guts? Even slimmer!
We'll see how this goes, I guess. Bombs away mind, not caring is soooo in right now.
P.S. New texts for two days and i'm already over 300. No texting unless neccesary or until next saturday and limit 200 for the next two weeks, hopefully. I don't want my mom flippin a b-word again. And I just noticed how jhawk is really desperate, kinda. Sunken kinda low. WOWSIES.