Drinking Water

The last two days, I don't know what to say. I walked up a hill on an adventure. I jumped off a swing. I rode a bus. I went to the mall. I painted six nails, six different shades of pink. I walked through a scary part of town at night. I ate subway, twice. One time, it was inexpensive. The second, it wasn't. The first one, at the subway by school, was just over $5, like a 5 dollar foot long. i get the same one and it's $6.74. At the mall. Worst thing ever, I hate when people don't get the memo about deals. It sucks. Everything I did, I did it in my newer pair of Reefs.

I am in these mind games. I'm kidding myself with them, because I said it was fine, getting myself into this mess of, "I don't know"'s and "sure"'s and everything, I like but, hate at the same time. And it makes me sick of myself. And makes everyone around me sick, because I do this. I do this every time. I make myself so vulnerable and stupid. I sink myself into this hole. A mind game with myself. Yet, before it was just myself playing these mind games but, I'm starting to think that maybe it's him too. Me thinking this, knowing I should stop thinking but, I can't because there is no justice, there is no action, it could be another trick in this cycle of mind games never ending inside of my head because I have hormones and over active ones at that. But, the way he looks at me makes me want to think something more then what he is thinking. It's different for me then for him because he is detached and he is, him. I just want to stop thinking and start knowing but, my communication skills are lacking. And guts just aren't there. I have no moral support to fall back on. Since no one listens, no one I can talk this out to step by step who will understand. And all those who do, won't listen because they 'know me'. Which I don't get because I don't know me. I don't know myself. I can't depict it. I can't tell you how I am. I can't tell you anything about me but, what I want to be and what I try to be. It's all I lie. I've been raised as a puppet, not wanting to be a puppet but, knowing I'll always be a puppet that does bad things, that aren't always good and right. That doesn't really know any better. I need something, well some one to tell me what to do. To tell me what to be because I don't know how to exist without it. I don't know how to function. That's why I need someone to understand what I am going through, and not because they are involved in it and not because they are who it is happening to, but, because they have a good, real, true caring for me.
And I won't be able to find that.
I hate liars and I hate fakes. And I wish it was easier and I wish I wasn't who I am now but, I am and I'm stuck with it like a lost puppy. I just really want some help or some answers to get me by. To know that I have a reason to continue on, not in a trance with hints of reality but, to have experiences and be. If you understand that.
Fyi, fml. My day was sucking until that point when I saw a hat with blond hair under it sitting next to a guy with a long neck and that stupid grin that gets me every time, man. Fuck my life.