Steak dinner.

Let's start off with the beginning of my day.
I didn't want to get up. I went to school and was on time. I went and sat though presentations. I reestablished a rumor that's true, how much of a bitch am I? Second period was boring and interesting. Third period was, well I posted a blog...! Fourth was lame like always. It's just how we do it. Effing spit wad hanging from the ceiling. Ms. Bitch wouldn't let us leave for forever! UHG. Lunch, don't stop the bop doesn't work with our lunch. We're too tolerable. Fifth period, I read. I'm so scared of that class! Sixth period was well, easy. I got extra credit. After school was fun, going to the East wing to pee. (: Then off to the Track Meet. Number 42! Whoooo! EVERYONE KNOWS WHO I LIKE. Since it was really obvious and really obvious that they left me and guy B alone. For the entire thing. Thank you, thank you. Hahahahaha. Sue, you're great, thank you for running that 400! Me and guy B, we had some nice conversation about track. 4x4 was intense. Everyone knows. So, now I'm just going to tell everyone. HE KNOWS. I know he knows. GUGHSKJD:KLDJGE*(DFSKJ@! So, now I'm going to shut up and just tell everyone that I like him. I LIKE HIM! JUST IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW. Thank you Kelson for being on my side. Thank you for shooing everyone away like, I don't know people I don't care about. I say blah blah blah a lot. Hahahhahhahhahahahahhahahahahahah
So, then I left and went to Wal-Mart with my mom, that was fun got a USB drive for my pictures. And stood in the gardening section for twenty or so minutes. Then we wanted to go home but, the sky looked cool and so we went to the lake and, just wow. It was pretty. I took a picture with my mom, I'm so bomb. So, then we went home, it was nice because I got some steak and pasta dinner. And now I get to play with my pictures and such. So, whatever, I'M COOL. Now I'm going to go do my homework while watching lost with my mom, such a good show!
So, let me ask you this, how do I figure out the way to make someone tell me something without directly asking a question?
Nevermind, I'll just go with the flow, fml fml fml.
KW SUCK IT YOU LOST TO KM, K. Reported, what you got to say now?!

School, again!

I've used this computer for blogging before apparently! But, I don't really remember what computer I used ever. Third period is my favorite class. I just realized. Just because I can work within moderation and there isn't a lot of people to distract me. This class isn't my smallest but, the curriculum is different then a required class like my bio class. It's really small! And that's probably why I'm passing it. Me and Lexi and Justin are the smartest kids in that class and finish half way through the period. Where as, the rest of the 6 or 7 kids that are in the class are definitely not even half way done. It's ridiculous but, it's my napping period. This computer is really slow I'm typing like three sentences and it's just not showing up very quick. that's probably why it was off. Hahahaha.

And last night was very nice but, I don't know what to say much more about it it because I don't to know what is going to happen next. I want to but, I don't I just have to see. All I know is that that press box is very interesting with those sticks! haha. So awkward. It's like Cody, stop hitting me, I don't know you! Hahaha. I wish I had balls. Not like literally but, metaphorically! I want to not be judged by who my sister is or how I used to be or whatever. Or how someone thinks I am. Because a lot of people don't really know me! Shocker right? Probably because I suck at talking to people!!! I really need to work on that. Especially with guy B. Hahahaha soooo bad!


Let me find a pretty picture to end this with just because I know that I want to do something photo related. Let's find a photo website that I can use! BlueMelon? Doesn't work. PhotoBiz? NO! I wish flickr would work! Free digital photos? Great, now the upload thing won't show me "DONE"! Uhg, there we go!

I wish I was here, in the warm warm heat and sun. In my bikini, happy as can be.
I miss you Hawaii, I want to come back to you! <3

So good it's bad?

Happy, happy, happy. Boy department going well. I'm so happy I'm hating the fact that I'm happy. I have a feeling it's going to go depressingly down hill. Because me+boys=chaos! I really like boys and I'm on a constant search to find companionship in male form because, I'm not a lesbian. And boys/boyfriends are something that I want because friendship with me doesn't do well. If I'm not comfortable with you, I can't talk to you about a lot of things. If I'm comfortable with you it's endless possibilities for conversation. And I'm really bad at conversations because I don't want to come off as awkward-er and random-er then I already am. Yet, every time I try it just makes it twenty times (if not more) awkward, random, and worse. So, if I get used to a guy enough that he likes me and I like him and am comfortable with him, which for me with a guy takes a long time, then I can take risks knowing that they'll still like me. I want to be liked and accepted by them and if they can do that, that's big because a lot of people don't like me the way I am. They just don't accept it because I'm like them kinda but, they don't like it. It's either I'm not weird enough to hang out with these people and I'm not normal enough to hang out with these. So, I get caught in between and it's not fun being the only person in that section of the spectrum. So when a guy likes me, it's a big deal for me and I don't know what to do with myself because it seems that if they like me they are more on/accepting of my level. So that's why there's all that shebang. As for right now, I don't know what to do. I think that I am going to screw it up by spending time or being around guy B but, if I don't then it will screw it up, too! So, it's frustrating because I don't want to mess it up and I don't want it to slide into that awkward state of "I like you... and now I don't" due to my abnormality. His awkwardness and me not knowing him and how he handles girls doesn't make me feel anymore secure at all. And him being a douche half the time and me probably taking it the wrong way, and me being a bitch half the time and not knowing if he's taking the right way. I just know that I like him and he likes me, I guess. I can tell from the signs of me saying, "if you don't like my criticism then don't talk to me" and him (after a while) saying "oh burn!". In my eyes that's like him saying he doesn't want to stop talking to me but, in his eyes it's like, "bitch!" or whatever. Well, it could be. I'm not talented of seeing things poly-ways in a quick period of time. I have to sit and think and usually I'm not focused on it. So from the signs I can tell he is fond of me and from other people telling me with out having a connection to eachother about him liking me. Then, I think it's possible that it might be right. Damn me and not trusting people fully! Damn me! I believe Alina but, KC is a little harder to believe with the her being her and could be capable of pulling a very beezy sly move with all my feelings on the line. So, he knows that I like him and I know he knows. And I'm pretty sure that he knows that I know that he likes me back but, I don't know. I just want to brag about it but, it's really mean and foolish because a lot of people think he's a cutie. Which he is, I'm not going to lie. He's pretty bomb, if he has clothes on. Let's just say ding-dong-withoutthe-ditch this weekend will be more successful. I haven't kissed anyone in eight long months. And the last one was A) A bad idea and B) really awkward. And it was a peck (Paaacock!). I want something better this time around, and rumor has it, guy B is pretty good at it. I hate him for being good at everything. So unfair! And Sadies, sadies. Let me find a way to just ask guy B about it, so I won't get pathetically rejected. That would suck sooooo horribly bad and an awkward place will be set. Sadly.
Is it so good it's bad, we'll see about the possible awkward aftershock.

I made a bet with myself...

Sounders game. If they won, I am going to have to have a date to Sadies if they lose, I go alone. They won, who would have thought! Number 17 is really cute, sooo loml! So to find love, I have to go to Columbia and Italy, lovely. I guess I have to start making bank so I can pay for these trips. I slept really well last night. It was lovely. I rather enjoyed it because now my tummy isn't upset like last night because my KFC wasn't cooked all the way through and it was cold! My mom ran into a pole turning the corner at KFC while gawking at an accident. Oh the irony! Now are car has a gigantic dent in the front of it and it scratched with red paint. So my mom's not probably going to let me have anything anytime soon because she has to pay for her car even though I've partially cleaned my room, whatever. Money isn't everything, it just lets you go and do things so you have a good time and make some memories. Not important at all. I'm hungry and I want breakfast, time for some Capitan Crunch. Delicious!

The Month Of May.

May 3rd - Malia, my cousin's birthday.

May 5th - Cinco de Mayo.
May 9th - Sadies.

May 23rd-25th - Memorial Day Weekend.

May 28th - Taylor's birthday.

May, May, May. Flower's bloom in May. And I like flowers!

My cousin's birthday, we're probably not doing some family shaaaabang! So, it's not too fun but, she's going to be seven. Cinco de Mayo is well, a Mexican holiday hahaha, you know me. Sadies, I'm figuring out what I want to wear. If I even want a date, which I don't know or not. Sadies 80's, stupid freshman! Memorial Day Weekend? I wonder what the weather is going to be like, I think I should do something! I think it would be fun to go and do something. Taylor birthday? We'll see what happens, I don't know if she is doing anything but, I guess I'll go if she invites me, it's not like I talk to her or anything, sheez.

I want to wear a tutu to Sadies! I just don't know where to get it or how much money my mom will spend on it. I've been looking at some online. So here:

There's a lot of colors and it's $15.50 for kids and $18.50 for adults w/o S&H.

This one comes in 10 colors and is $13.50 for a child and $15 for an adult w/o S&H.

This is $15.75 w/o S&H and comes in 15 colors. Not with the leo underneath!

This one is $14.50 w/o S&H and comes in 5 colors. It's a little wide!

I dont' know what to do with this! I don't know if I could make one or not. I like the first picture, I think they sell it on amazon! For $13.99! In ten colors:

My mom says no, but it's not that bad!

Frolicking Bunnies

If you think that cute that's the feeling I got today when something amazing happened. Although, it didn't go as I wanted but, I was completely out of control of the situation and conversation that went on. Now, you see. I had a fun time after school developing film, it's going to be lovely tomorrow. I just have to remember the money that I have to pay to get 300 points in photo. Maybe I can do good in that class if I try. I don't know, I probably can. I can ace it. Hahah I SWEAR. Now, math on the other hand, is whatever, that's going downhill. Cwi is whatever. English is bad right now because I can't get through the analyzing parts in a day especially when I've been gone! I have to go to the library and get the book so I can finish the first three chapter analyses. I need to talk to jenna, maybe tomorrow morning. HOPEFULLY! hahahahahahahaha, aaaaaaaaaaahhh i need to definitely lock that convo and message specifically on my phone!
I'm excited for the making of my photos tomorrow in third period, it'll be great! Whooo-Hooo!
Uh, Yeah I don't know what else to say but, tomorrow is my sister's birthday I really need to figure out the BAAAALLOOOON stiuation. Because I don't know if my momsies can drop me some off for my lovely sister. Hahahaha (: yeahhh!
Bed time, i'm done with the homework. I need to put my pizza from tonight in the fridge.

Jump off the bridge, Brenna

Guy A is on some sort of confidence roll and wants some of this. He wants to hang out says him. I just ask him what he wants to do. and he's like if there's other people (which there usually is) then chill and if not, "Iono" which means he wants to get on my nuts in guy A language. So, I said uhh okay. And then he asks me what I want to do but, I'm like, UHHH. whatever? Because I had to consult the BF but, she was taking too long and I wasn't responding quick meaning I was thinking about it, which I was but, I don't want him to know I was thinking about it, you know? UHG So, anyways. I wanted to just yell at him like a scene in a movie, I LIKE YOUR BEST FRIEND. But, that's hella mean. Especially when he's like OHHH HEYY. It just looked bad in my mind. So, BF said that I should just tell guy A about guy B, his BFFFFFFFF and I'm going to casually drop it into the conversation, when the time is right, like after the convo dies down to a "Yup" again, because it will, the fact that I asked him if I could trust him earlier and he said yes so, I have to tell him that I wanted to do that so I could tell him about guy B and how I like guy B and he could help me with guy B. Gosh, I'm a bitch. ANYWHO! So, I came up with this bomb metephor, in my opinion. Guys are like dogs, once they pee on a hydrant it's theirs. Basically guy A is like trying to pee on me, poor hydrant and and I want guy B to pee on me because I'd rather be his teritory. Hahahahahhahahhaahha so horrible but, you get the point. FML FML FML.

Go stupid!

Go me! Science WASL, done and over with. No more of that nonsense! I'm very excited about that! Although the guy I was sitting next to was still creepy day one and two. I don't know who he was really but, still awkward. He was like staring at me in a I'm a serious kinda creeper, creeper like way! There's cars or trucks or whatever pulling in and out of the gravel part in front of my house. So I keep thinking people are here or it's the random people that are showing up at the empty house next to mine with the pair tree. Uhg. Oh well. They're white but, I think they might kill us. They have a ghetto car so, man I'm going to die soon! And it's not even them it's the Mexican neighbors doing NOTHING but, driving and making the gravel that they really don't have to use, all messed up!
So, I'm going to be very frustrated tomorrow. I have to bring my camera and stuff for the field trip that I MIGHT be going on because I didn't get cleared but, Drum didn't say no yet. So I don't know. I wish I could go, I'll dress accordingly. I have to do my homework still. I hope I can go. I wish I could go! AHHHHHH. So so horrible. I'm so stupid. I don't even remember school on Friday! Not one bit. I took some risks today, textually. I asked guy A if I could trust him. He said in one word, "Yes" but I didn't get back to him until like after school. Maybe he could be a friend and not an asshole after all... And I admitted playfully that I do hit on guy B. Although it's REALLY OBVIOUS I do every chance I get. Haha. I'm such a bitch now thinking back. Haha. And he's been a dick. So, it's even. Haha. Now I just have to pop that whole "ARE YOU HITTING ON ME" thing back at him. Oh the balls I wish I had. The baaaaaaaaaallls!
OH AND This one girl did the most b-wordy thing today. I felt like punching her in the face, not in a "ohhhhh I want to punch her in the face!" No, no. More like "That bitch deserves to get punched in the face for saying that shit"! Really, you don't have to be a bitch when I've done nothing to you at all but, come and say hi, thank you for being my acquaintance for a while, thanks for just ruining that. I'm not going to talk to you. If you're like "Brennis!" i'll be like "...hi." Just because I'm a spiteful person, thanks. Made me feel like shit until I got to first period. I had to sit through Spanish with all these people around me that I don't really know except for like, little Chris, but, he's not really my friend unless I have NO ONE else to talk to and vis versa. But, I guess Valerie talks to me, she's so cute hahaha. Funny story, never wearing shorts that are not Bermudas to school again, too many people were looking and all was not right!
I need to stop texting i'm half way done and it's been four days. I have 26 more days to go. I'm done texting until I need to or if guy B ever decides to text me. I hope he does well at his gaaaaaaaame. Dah, dah, dah.
FML, homework time and waiting time, thanks jenna for getting some chowder. THANKS!

Two ideas, one blog;

In this beginning part I need to just explain myself, for myself. That's the only reason I'm doing it, for myself. No one else but, you can read it. If you don't want to wait till the complete next line blank, yeah? I'm saying some honest things from my opinion, and i'm just thinking in text for myself, again. Haha
First off let's say: I think far too much! And it ruins everything. You know how everything that is ever super fun isn't planned. Everything good that happens, you didn't mean for them to happen! I ruin that by thinking and fantasizing by creating life like scenarios that will never happen. I am a cancer, born in July. I like to reminisce. I depend on what I'm wearing/how my makeup is done/how my hair is done for luck. You know like, lucky undies or lucky zebra bras? It's like that but, with basically everything for me. If I don't brush my hair, if I do. How late I go to bed. The amount of eyeliner. I guess it's me being self conscious or whatever, I'm not sure. I need to become a psychiatrist who goes to a psychiatrist. I can't believe I spelled that right! whoo! haha. I say "Haha" too much. I'm terrified of expired food, or near expired food. I don't like hot dog buns really, not my favorite type of bread. I could live off of it if I was stuck on a desert island because I wouldn't eat too much of it at once :D. I'm not really "athletic", I fake it. Unless it's like volleyball with bad people and if it's like yoga, i'm sure i'd be good at that. I don't like some of my friends. I don't like being made fun of, it's a problem with my childhood, my sister always made fun of me so, I always feel like shit about myself. Especially around like, "friend d". She makes me feel like shit because I want to do what I want to do. She makes me feel like a slut. She makes me feel like I'm supposed to be something that I'm not. She makes fun of me because I'm bad at sports because my mom didn't have enough money to put me into a fastpitch team from ages 5-9 or gymnastics since I was 2. She makes me feel like I'm horrible unless I'm being just like her. And I know I'm not and she doesn't like that so she puts me down. And I hate it. Friend J makes me feel better because she's a bitch, I can tell her that to her face but, she's a teenage girl. She's more my maturity level then friend d. She and I can have a good time even though she can get sick of me and probably thinks I'm needy. Which I am. I've been raised by myself so, I want companionship. One that i've never had so I cling to boys as an excuse. Friend t is the only friend that I have that I can hate and know that I can still love her entirely. She's judgemental but, it's fine. She's a bitch, I be a bitch back. But, we understand eachother. But, we've been drifting and becoming different people and I'm becoming bitter about the friendship that we had last year, two years ago, and even further then that. It's not going to be like that anymore because she has her own life and I have mine. Though, it wasn't even this bad when she lived in different states. She lives 30 minutes away and never wants to see me. My sister is leaving. She's turning 18, it's hell. What am I going to do without my mom. Her birthday's in like, 4 days and I don't know what to do for her. I don't know how to react or think about it. I don't know her lately. She's put walls up, so, I don't know if what I do will make her happy or even care because she doesn't care lately. Whatever, I'm still doing nice things for her because she needs it. I'm a bitch, I know it. If you don't like what my opinion is, it's just my opinion. Then end. hahaha


As I'm watching Jon & Kate Plus 8, they're in Hawaii. They reminded me of the time that me and my sister and my mom went to Hawaii. My Aunt and cousin too. And I get the feeling and wanting, the feeling and wanting that I get in summer or around summer. I want to go on a plane to somewhere hot. The feeling that I used to get when I was little (like 8 or 9 or whatever) when we were told at like ten at night by my mom that we were driving to Montana, the next day or in the next few days and we'd start packing. and then go. Maybe it's the dress I'm wearing or the sun shinning. Or the way that the sun set tonight but, I just have the feeling. Last summer or two summers ago, maybe both, I got the wanting feeling to go and roadtrip. A hot, nice, sunny roadtrip. Like we did when I was younger. Reminicant of flying in planes to Mexico or Hawaii or going to Montana on a roadtrip. When everything was simple and fine and my mom wasn't crazy hormonal and starting to drink at 5 or whenever she gets off work. When my sister was still awkward and not turning eighteen in 4 days and not graduating with her friends and some of mine. In, 54 days to be exact. There's 64 days until school ends. It makes me feel weird and unprepared for life. Time to get my act together at school. Thime to think of beyond and college. Time to learn how to drive, for real. Time to start looking for a job. Time to get study habits. Time to finish my room. Time to get a calendar and desk. And a tan. And be prepared. Next Saturday fundraising, isn't going to happen. Too short of notice. Thanks YL for being prepared. Time for the summer of my life. Time for everything I've needed to happen this summer, to happen.

That last blog was before I finished this, before everything. I overreact but, I feel like I needed to vent. I feel bad about it but, I don't regret saying the things I said. My mom needs to get a slap in that face and grow some balls and ears. I was mad, finishing this made it better. Goodnight, WASL tomorrow, getting there early, hopefully...


OH YEAH AND,
Thank you Quan for making me think about May 9th. Let me get my game face on....ding-dong!
Opportunities? Tons!
Chances? Slim!
Guts? Even slimmer!
We'll see how this goes, I guess. Bombs away mind, not caring is soooo in right now.
P.S. New texts for two days and i'm already over 300. No texting unless neccesary or until next saturday and limit 200 for the next two weeks, hopefully. I don't want my mom flippin a b-word again. And I just noticed how jhawk is really desperate, kinda. Sunken kinda low. WOWSIES.

I hate choking up!

I hate when my mom yells at me about shit when she knows that it goes no where.
You say you want to take shit away from me, fucking do it. Grow some balls. I try to make a point about you and you don't even fucking listen. Yeah, you ask me to do something but, FUCK YOU'RE THE ONE WHO RAISED ME TO BE THIS WAY. Oh wait, who raised me was myself and my sister with a hint of you giving me shit. Thanks mom, thanks for fucking my life over because everything that you did and didn't do made me the way I am. Take your hormones and fucking get yourself in check because right now, yeah I'm hormonal too and you have to bring it up, fuck you fuck you fuck you. It just pisses me off. What the fuck? If you ask me to do something and I do it, you don't even fucking care but, if i don't FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH, right mom? Right!? Shit, YOU WONDER WHY KELSEY WANTS TO MOVE OUT SO BAD. It's because of you. It's because of your bullshit. Because you fucking blow up and get emotional about everything like, really do you expect me to be nice to you if you don't deserve it?! I don't give a fuck anymore, I'm going to just fuck everything up so you can bitch at me 24/7 and then you'll get so mad and everything. You'll be like, fuck fuck fuck my life is so horrible because I don't have enought money to get by, don't bring that around me don't make me feel like shit because you do.
Here let me go get a job. Here let me find some 40 year old pervert that will ruin my exsistence so you can be fucking happy with out any kids so you can drink and smoke all you want so that you can pretend that you never had kids. I'm sure you've though about what life would have been like if you never did, how wonderful it would have been to just have fun and shit. Not having to spend money on anyone but, yourself and your fucking boyfriend I'm guessing celebration after I graduate, you're fucking rid of everything you'd ever have to take care of? RIGHT? This is why I have so many fucking self problems, thanks. Thanks.

It's Times Like These...

When you wish that you had summer, you wish you didn't have to go back to school on Monday. You wish that you could just go and have fun with your friends whenever you want to, doing whatever it is that you are doing. Watching soccer games, yelling for some people on the team, talking about loves of our lives like ZE and Blondie. Team meetings before playing ding-dong-ditch with your mouth. Driving home with some Mexicans attached to your car. Playing with chalk. Going out on Friday and getting some gas! Going to the lake to skip rocks. Playing Wii with the gun. Going to UW gymnastics meets. Having boys over at your house. Making some bomb food like cookies and nachos and such. Going to the mall, going to drivers ed. Going anywhere and everywhere you can think of and just have fun like no other. Not thinking that you have school on Monday. Not thinking of school at all. Not having to WASL. Not having any doubts, just going for it. Just doing it. Having fun times and memories. It can always be like that. Summer is the only time and I don't even know what my plans are. My birthday is a mystery. My August might be Virginia. My June is partially school. Young Life camp in July, for a week. Fourth of July, no idea. Working at the fireworks stand? Yes, yes! Staying out until the sun comes back up, hopefully. Long adventures to no where and everywhere. Eating some late night taco bell in the hot hot heat of summer. Thunderstorms, Forest fires that light up the sky. Wild Waves, Silverwood, all the fixin's. Corn on the cob with tons of butter. Lemonade. Camping. Swimming. Tanning. Sitting at home relaxing. Freshly cut grass. Road trips. Day trips. Night trips. Quick trips. Gas trips. Bathing suits. The smell of chlorine. Smell of bronzer. Ropes corses. Go karts. Swimming pools. Volleyball. Running. Jumping. Yelling. Singing. Summer songs. I'm so ready. 66 days remaining. Just live my life.

Hold My Breath

If I had to pick a time for the world to end, I say now. Right now. I'm so angry at myself right now, just from not knowing shit. I have a Spanish test that I'm doomed to fail tomorrow because I forgot everything over break. I wasn't thinking school, I was thinking Quiero fun! I don't know how to even get through the night. I have to finish some math homework. I have a project due tomorrow! And since I wasn't at school today, I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. I have to get the PowerPoint done but, if the file is corrupted then, shit how am I supposed to do it. I can't fix everything in two seconds. I need to borrow my sister's USB or I need to just work my ass off for the short time I have in first period. Maybe he'll give me another day.
Math homework, try and remember Spanish. Try and not die. I don't know what to do, I just can't do it. I'll just look up as much information I can right now for the project. I think I have the new rubric. I can't do pictures either way unless I find a really bomb source. Nothing else to do but, work. And work. Maybe I'll eat something and gain some weight. Fuck, I'm sure I'll look no different in the face since I'm chubby there anyways. Fuck, Fuck, Fuck. I'm staying up until my mom gets home. I need to! I need to charge my iPod and have a think off. Shit, fuck, bullshit. Duuuuuuude, I just need tomorrow to come a little bit sooner. I wish my computer didn't have viruses.
fyi, fml. I hate my self right now, the Adrenalin makes me feel sick!

Hm,

Confusion, confusion. And I don't want to jump to conclutions. That's it.
Soccer game. Us 0, them 5. We got murdered, and I feel bad. But, it was an interesting ride there and back with Stephanie. I dare say, fun. Counting some coffee stands. 28 in a 5 mile radius. It only happens here, I swear! Silly coffee. Brandon is annoying, beyond beliefe. I owe steph $4! And tomorrow is a new day. A hopefully good new day.
The end. Bed time. Regular school tomorrow!

School: part one.

Photo Two has a field trip. That'll be fun. I have to basically get these photos done, so quick. I need to get some more film today and take a roll when I get home, somehow. I'll go for a walk somewhere. I don't know what to do with this class, there's so many things that I need to do. I'm missing three assignments and it's just wow. I don't know what to do by the end of the week. But, field trip on the 22nd! Whoo! I just have to turn everything in by thursday. The 22nd is a Wednesday, next wednesday. Two days before my sister's birthday. I have to get some prints done. I have my Spanish test on Thursday. I have my Panama project due again on Thursday. I have nothing fun coming up because I don't know about Friday. I need to talk to Jenna about it. Last night kind of crashed everything. I definitely need to talk to Jenna about that. And now I'm hearing framiliar names thrown around behind me. But, I don't know if it what I think I heard. I'm not too sure. English is going to be bad. She's grading my paper soon and I'm probably going to get like a D because I tried to write and she doens't like me. People who didn't finish it definitely got B's. Fml. I hate teachers who are so hard on me. I've got an A in spanish, so that won't go down too bad if I do horrible on thursday. My bio grade is bomb. I totally owned on that last quiz because I was terrified of it. It took me forever. I got 14/15! Math is math, it's something I just do. I don't know, yesterday she was flippin a beezy because I wasn't taking notes, oh well. I think that it's fine, you know, you know. I can always understand things. I have a lot of homework in that class tonight. I can do it at "study tables" and MAYBE I'll go to practice today. WASL was whatever today, there was like 2 hard questions that I guessed on out of like 20. Not too shabby. It was rather easy peasy lemon squeezy. Ya digg?
My sister's here, time to be done and get to work, yo!

Times a'ticking part 2

I just died a little inside, it's not that I don't love my sister, because I do and not that I don't care about what's happening in her life and want to be there for her, because I am and I will be. It's just that I have no freedom. And she keeps going on about losing Alexa to Stephanie. I don't know about you but, can't she just forgive Steph and be done with it? I just am seeing flames all around me from every aspect. Even the new cable box is going down the drain since my mom isn't finishing what she started. I guess facebook was just too interesting for her. And I have to hear about her boyfriend that doens't trust her. Which is bad. And he's leaving for more training soon. He's not my favorite I can deal but, I still have a bad feeling about him. Especially after Easter. The boy front is just upsetting now, I can't even deal with it, I should just go try and finish my homework and everything will be peaches and fine by the morning, right? Just another day of WASL and another day of not being what people want me to be. And me thinking of them as something great, when I turns out their not. Stupid family, too. Attacking my sister yesterday. I might go to Vriginia this summer with my aunt, uncle, and three cousins. It's just that I don't know if that'll be the best for me. Seeing the country but, knowing no connection to my uncle's family. And these kids are something else. They fight and one of them will be just 14 months. And my aunt gets sick of me but, my uncle's cool, if he's not in bitch mode. It'll be a long drive there and back. Seeing the country, being far away on an adventure with a family. Sure, let's just go for it, August here I come. Sweet sixteen, here I come. Young Life Camp, here I come. Right now though, hell, everything is just burning in this hell.

Times a'ticking!

And with so many things too! I'm not going to do that stupid spring break recap, you can just read old posts. Time is flying by with everything. School, the year, this last week, everything but, this week is going by slowly. My sister always comes around when I start a post! Yesterday, I wanted to but, she woke up. Today, I get on this page and she comes home. And she's like Jenna's parents. Always looking, no matter what. It's really annoying. I hate it! Good thing she's almost moving out. Ten days! Then freedom. Whoooooo!
So, sadly, I've declared that I'm letting myself like guy B, but, I don't know why I feel like, it's not the way it should be. When we were texting, he didn't really want to text, I don't know. I was just conversing in my usually OH A BOY, flirty (I try, I don't know if I succeed) way. So, I don't know, maybe it's me. But, I like seeing him, I don't go looking for him. I don't want to. I just want to talk to him. I just want to make out with him or someone, it's been too long (I'm keeping track. It's been about 10 months)! I haven't kissed anyone since September. And, I know. That's not that long but, it's noticeable for me. Maybe I should just focus on creeper guy, easy kissing. Haha, still creepy. And I don't know about Friday. I don't know what to do. I don't know, I don't know. Jordan asking me when we're hanging out next, most always means Jenna. And Aaden, I want him to come, it could be fun! Hahaha. We could do something, I just don't know... I just don't know. I need to focus on that last Friday's deets. Then, everything will seem fine! Then I won't have to think about the other guys. Then I won't think of what I want. I don't know what my expectations are. I don't know! Let me go back to the more depictable guy. The one who is shockingly something that I'd never guess! Hahaha, I just need to look at him! Then I'll be over it. I just can't believe it. Anyway! I want to know what he wants before I decide what I want because I don't think that I'm like the last girl. I'm definitely not like her. She had major ovary balls, and I have something more along the lines of, shriveled eggs.
This just in: my sister isn't moving out! Ruins my plans. And I guess she's failing and doesn't have hopes of getting them up. ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!
All the other ones! Summer just went downhill. Sooo down, i'm not going to finish this. FML

True To Me

This is the current love of my life:

I want it in Laguna Blue. It would complete me. Honda S2000 CR, I love you.



So, "Josh Stockton" is a creeper who wants to get on. Just because I said that I wanted to hang out. Because he has a car. And a permit. He's not very cute. Kinda creepy, actually. He claims I hung out with him and Kennie a few months ago but, I don't remember hanging out with Kennie or him. And then he adds me out the random. And he asks me if I'm single. I tell him the truth, I want to have fun! So, then he asks if I want to have sex! Like WTF!? No (not with you hahaha). So, we stop talking about it and are "hanging out next weekend". Like me and my new friend Dan, who I've been set up with by my holding on by the strands best friend*. We're hanging out on saturday but, I have to go the tulip festival because that's just what me and my family do, so. Suck it! Not to mention if I do anything with anyone this weekend besides my family, there's a small percent chance that I'll hang out with "Josh Stockton" but, a bigger chance I'll chill with Dan, just because I don't get weird creeper vibes from him!

*Taylor is basically being how she always is, flakey and noticing that our friendship is kind of failing but, isn't making an effort to fix it. There's the idea of fixing it but, from where I'm standing, I've tried. I've called all week and she hasn't really made time for me. And I understand that she wants to hang out with Sam and Kenna and her sister and her family. But, there's not even a day for me? I'm giving up on it, there's no point in prolonging the agony on my side! Out of sight out of mind.

So, last night was fun, and that's it. I enjoyed it, I don't know how the other three people thought of it. Jordan probably was bored out of his mind in a blur of tiredness. He almost passed out on my couch and in my chair. It was intense. I wish I would have gone and got in the hot tub. FML and being a good kid! FML about swinging back into it BUT, it's new and improved with added feelings! Whooo! FML FML FML. I really should listen to Jayde on this one. I just don't know which part of it though...!

Looking forward to later in the morning, not looking forward to WASL or school. I need to study when I get home tomorrow night! And I need to go clear off my bed! And work on my spring break recap that's coming tomorrow!

Ahora!

I'm cleaning my room, so intense. I'm done with the second worst of it all. I can't pick up all the little tiny pieces on my floor so, I moved on. Now I'm halfway under my bed. Pulling things out with a boomerang I found. I've found some rather odd things in that room of mine. I don't think it's a hole now, I think it's a room that is a more organized hole. I want to do a few things when I'm done with it!:

• Full legnth mirror
• Re-arrange
• And paint!

But, I don't know what color to paint it! I don't want a boring color and I don't want something i'll get sick of, because I will get sick of some colors. No pink, no ugly butter yellow, no bright green. Maybe a blue or a dark purple, maybe dark green. Maybe I want some of that forest wall paper like Big Black has Haha. That'd be sick!! I don't know, I'll have to consult mis amigos y mi madre y mi hermana. Fosho.


A peer into the future: Story of 4/10/09 and story of myspace guy!

After tomorrow, it's done!

Today, I plan on cleaning, for real this time, I'm about to get to it! I need to do laundry and vacuum and pick things up. Like, everything in my hole of a room. Maybe then I can get unlimited texting. Maybe then my mom will have nothing to bitch at me about. Maybe.
I was supposed to already be done with the task at hand but, gosh that sun always seems to make the day a little brighter, so I went and did stuff. Yesterday, I could have cleaned but, my mom was home, with her boyfriend! Man, that just pissed me off. And my mom asking me what was wrong every two seconds like she has been this entire week. I haven't been feeling very vibrant and I got this cold like two days ago. So, it's not been terribly fun. And my sister is gone. Which makes me pretty depressed because this is how it's going to be in about 13 days. I have to take care of her annoying cat who you have to pay attention to in the middle of the effing night. And my mom will be all up in my business like no other. Anywho. I need the hallway to clean. And I need quiet (not my mom's voice) to clean. And then I'll be fine. I think I could get done by tomorrow if I start soon! I just need a place to put everything I don't want. I'll make room in the garage! And as long as my mom isn't home I'll keep cleaning.

As for the title of this, today is Friday and tomorrow is Saturday. Then spring break is done, because on Sunday it's Easter, something I'm not looking forward to, and it's a FAMILY day. Not a day to bring my sister's boyfriend of two seconds, who to me doesn't have a personality that she would usually go for or anything, along with us. I'm fine with seeing my family. I'm fine with that but, I have no comfort zones if she's off limits and my mom is going to be at work! My family and me don't have the great, "I'm so proud of you" relationship. It's more like, "Oh Kelsey this" and "Oh Kelsey that". I have to watch my cousin this year too. She's six and annoying as ever, and it's not like I don't like her it's just I don't know how to shut her up and I don't remember how I played as a first grader. I really don't. So, I'll have no down time and such. Just eating, watching, and wishing I was able to have someone to talk to. Thank you black sheep title, thank you! Tomorrow is going to be boring too, since I have no one to talk to, since Jenna is going to be at the track meet, Danielle is sick of me and I'm a little sick of her (it happens), Taylor is not going to talk to me, because she has other things to do, like always. No time for me. I can see that friendship falling out real quick like. I don't know what to do with that one. I guess I'll get to cleaning now, fun stuff. Maybe I should eat first, eat for energy and then clean, clean, clean.
Did I mention that I had an epiphany last night! Too much thinking is bad for me but, brain storming strategies is good.
Off to cleaning!
Jenna come get your pants, or you'll never see them again...!

4pm-ish

Faint memories of a fun night two years ago are rolling through my mind. The one time I made some bad decisions, the one time I actually did something stupid but, it was fun stupid, not like,"Oh shit I cut off my hand!" stupid but, an expirence. I wish I had more of these, it will happen eventually.
On to today! I've gotten up, taken a shower, drank some gatorade, ate a rice crispy treat, charged my iPod, been on myspace, got hope, let hope go, realized I'm sick, gave up on my mom and.... it's about 4PM. Let me find something to do tonight! I'll go see a movie by myself, if I have to. I'll walk somewhere at 3 AM! I don't care. I want something to do! Soooooo bad. I'm just sitting inside, waiting and wanting. Wishing someone could come get her pants and have the car and such. I think it would be lovely if that happened! Maybe she should just call back. Maybe I should just go watch that movie now, or find some one else to pester. Maybe, maybe.

Drinking Water

The last two days, I don't know what to say. I walked up a hill on an adventure. I jumped off a swing. I rode a bus. I went to the mall. I painted six nails, six different shades of pink. I walked through a scary part of town at night. I ate subway, twice. One time, it was inexpensive. The second, it wasn't. The first one, at the subway by school, was just over $5, like a 5 dollar foot long. i get the same one and it's $6.74. At the mall. Worst thing ever, I hate when people don't get the memo about deals. It sucks. Everything I did, I did it in my newer pair of Reefs.

I am in these mind games. I'm kidding myself with them, because I said it was fine, getting myself into this mess of, "I don't know"'s and "sure"'s and everything, I like but, hate at the same time. And it makes me sick of myself. And makes everyone around me sick, because I do this. I do this every time. I make myself so vulnerable and stupid. I sink myself into this hole. A mind game with myself. Yet, before it was just myself playing these mind games but, I'm starting to think that maybe it's him too. Me thinking this, knowing I should stop thinking but, I can't because there is no justice, there is no action, it could be another trick in this cycle of mind games never ending inside of my head because I have hormones and over active ones at that. But, the way he looks at me makes me want to think something more then what he is thinking. It's different for me then for him because he is detached and he is, him. I just want to stop thinking and start knowing but, my communication skills are lacking. And guts just aren't there. I have no moral support to fall back on. Since no one listens, no one I can talk this out to step by step who will understand. And all those who do, won't listen because they 'know me'. Which I don't get because I don't know me. I don't know myself. I can't depict it. I can't tell you how I am. I can't tell you anything about me but, what I want to be and what I try to be. It's all I lie. I've been raised as a puppet, not wanting to be a puppet but, knowing I'll always be a puppet that does bad things, that aren't always good and right. That doesn't really know any better. I need something, well some one to tell me what to do. To tell me what to be because I don't know how to exist without it. I don't know how to function. That's why I need someone to understand what I am going through, and not because they are involved in it and not because they are who it is happening to, but, because they have a good, real, true caring for me.
And I won't be able to find that.
I hate liars and I hate fakes. And I wish it was easier and I wish I wasn't who I am now but, I am and I'm stuck with it like a lost puppy. I just really want some help or some answers to get me by. To know that I have a reason to continue on, not in a trance with hints of reality but, to have experiences and be. If you understand that.
Fyi, fml. My day was sucking until that point when I saw a hat with blond hair under it sitting next to a guy with a long neck and that stupid grin that gets me every time, man. Fuck my life.

Spring Fever

It's spring break now. Time for fun right?! I have no high expectations. No one really would want to hang out with me. It's just a thing I've noticed. I'm really boring and don't do anything. Whatever, I just go with it, fine.

I'm stupid though. Because I think and I don't think about the right things. I think too much. I think about how fertile I must be. Otherwise my hormones are just over acting pieces of shit. And obviously, i'm just some sloppy seconds. Makes me feel great. Maybe I should just become the school slut. Fuck everyone in sight. Sounds lovely. Fuck it. I will. That way I can have tons of fun and not be boring but, I'll be a slut. Only liked by guys. That's what my hormones are telling me. I have no chance of getting a boyfriend or anything close to it anyway. So, we're good. I'm finished thinking about it, I'm just going to do it and ignore my feelings or whatever. Fuck it. I'm so not happy about it. I should have just stuck to guy B. Maybe I'll just swing back into it. Maybe i'll just go and dig myself a hole and live it in. The End.